The Rants and Raves of a Lunatic

So Long Idol, My Heart Belongs Anywhere But With You

2011-05-05T00:19:00.000-04:00

Something old, something new, tonight my Idol blog is through. What started so strong early in the season has turned into a typical Idol season in which the audience (at least me) struggles to really care who is going to win the competition because let's be honest: no one is likely to buy the winner's album anyway. Between the mediocre performances, the crappy, too kind judging, and lack of personality for the contestants, I have simply become tired of finding something to write about, rant about, make fun of. For my six readers, thanks for reading this shlock. Now onto tonight...

Sheryl Crow as music royalty?! Really?! First Carole King and now Sheryl Crow? Apparently anyone who is willing to sell themselves out to Idol becomes royalty. I wonder what real music royalty like Paul McCartney would be considered? At least he has already been deemed Sir Paul McCartney by the Majesty herself (at least I think that is how it works)! Damn Monarchs and their crazy love for pomp and circumstance (well that Royal wedding was kind of cool).

James Durbin
Up first was Durbin with Jared Leto's "Closer to the Edge" which started very slow and pitchy and didn't get much better. In an out of character performance, Durbin seemed to be one note flat during the entire performance. Rather than enjoying what could have been a great performance, I felt as if I was being screamed at during the entire song. Shocking, he said sarcastically, the judges praised the performance...sometimes I feel like the judges are judging three year olds with their need for continued positive reinforcement.

Like Durbin's first performance, he seemed to struggle during "Without You", both in pitch and emotions. While Durbin seemed to find his voice when the power chorus came out, he showed that when he isn't bringing the power, his voice isn't as great as has been said all season.

Jacob Lusk
"No Air" started with Lusk on an odd-sounding falsetto that didn't quite find the right note. Lusk seemed to struggle through the entire performance and like Durbin, seemed to yell the entire song. It was nice to see Randy Jackson actually provide something besides smoke up the ass of the contestants. Jennifer Lopez who started the season strong has fell into a Paula-Abdul like trance of only providing the positive while Steven Tyler continues to be completely useless.

Lusk definitely put himself into "Love Hurts", but once again, did little to show who he is as an artist. I struggle to understand why Lusk hasn't realized that Gospel is his thing and he should continue down that path. Like I learned in my 8th grade play, "The Competition": Just Be Who You Are. What Lusk is is on the ropes.

Lauren Alaina
Lauren Alaina brought out her country pipes and picked the right song for a genre which she should pursue post-Idol. While clearly no Carrie Underwood, Alaina is much more talented than previous ditz and Idol contestant Kellie Pickler and with Pickler finding success, Alaina will most likely find marginal success, as well. Alaina should definitely stick with anything country-related as Idol enters its final weeks.

Donning Farrah Fawcett-esque hair and a beautiful long-flowing dress, Alaina looked the part for her performance of "Unchained Melody" but unfortunately didn't bring anything special to the song. Pitchy during parts and simply boring, Alaina doesn't have the type of voice to do a classic like this, especially the famous high note. I actually would have liked to have seen James Durbin or Jacob Lusk perform this with their range.

Scotty McCreery
Scott McCreery's "Gone" was solid, however one has to wonder what else McCreery has in his arsenal to win this thing. I stick to my theory that he will have a #1 country record and will do really well with that genre, but he still look like a young kid out there who has no idea what to do while he performs.

Like Alaina, McCreery bored the audience with his second song; what McCreery did different from Alaina, however, was that he was pitch perfect (as always) and made "Always on My Mind" a very tender moment.

Haley Reinhart
Haley Reinhart took the poor advice of Jimmy Iovine who continues to show that while he may be a good producer for established artists, he isn't doing much for the Idol contestants. During the Iovine chosen Lady Gaga song "You and I", Reinhart technically sounded good, however the performance was simply mediocre and Gaga is not an artist who Reinhart should model her career after.

Reinhart saved the best for last with a belting rendition of "House of the Rising Sun", by far the best performance this season for her and possibly one of the top performances of any artist this season. While I still don't love her growling during songs, Reinhart showed her power when she sang a capella...props to Sheryl Crow for that suggestion.

How the top five will fair during the rest of the season (as if I truly care):

5. Jacob Lusk
4. Haley Reinhart
3. Lauren Alaina
2. Scotty McCreery
1. James Durbin

Idol Shows Its Age With Carole King Theme Night

2011-04-27T23:15:00.000-04:00

Just like me, it sounded like even the Idol in-studio crowd was tired of Idol and its remaining contestants leaving Ryan Seacrest with requests of the crowd like:

"We need that energy."
"Come on, bring that energy."
"We want that energy."

Seacrest even sounded desperate when telling a little girl to write down the date that tickets goon sale for the Idol Top 11 that no one cares about. At this rate, the top 11 will be playing at local fairgrounds (which makes sense since most of them will most likely be doing that as solo artists in the future).

Back to tonight's in-studio audience. Why was the in-studio crowd so lackluster tonight? Perhaps because of the ridiculous theme night of songs written or performed by Carole King. Seriously? We go from songs from the 21st century to Carole King? You know Idol has reached the bottom of the well when it resorts to having young contestants sing songs of an artist who was popular before they were even born. What's next? Songs of Liberace? Songs from the Baroque period? 118 compositions that have hit the Billboard 100 is impressive, but unless I wear dentures and mom jeans, Carole King is not in my vocabulary.

Jacob Lusk started the night with a mediocre "Oh No, Not My Baby". Lusk started slow and finished strong, but the song was nothing special. And judging by his outfit, I think Babyface, tonight's mentor, might have called in a favor from Stevie Wonder to dress Lusk.

Lauren Alaina followed with the very boring "When You Leave" that left me wanting to leave the room and perhaps Idol for the remainder of the competition. While Alaina sounded good, like Lusk, the song did nothing for her voice or her chances to stay in the competition. After two performances, I dislike Carole King even more than I did before tonight's show.

Country bumpkin, Scotty McCreery, brought something a little different when he was forced to stray from his go-to country roots with "You've Got a Friend". Like his fellow contestants, the performance was extremely boring. I do give McCreery credit, however, for sounding better than Lusk and Alaina. It amazes me that Idol continues to take contestants out of their comfort zone with these stupid musician-themed nights. While I understand that Idol can only do so many decade-themed nights, there are other ways to provide broad theme nights and not songs of the once popular and no longer relevant musician-themed nights.

Of course, leave it to King James Durbin to leave me eating my words (a bit) when he performed the classic tune, "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?". Judging by the feedback from Randy Jackson and most likely the voting public, the answer is yes. Durbin meshed Bryan Ferry's version of the song with a Weezer-like pop-rock arrangement into a perfect fit. Tonight, James Durbin showed the true control he has with his voice.

Casey Abram performed "Hi-De-Ho" taking viewers back to a simpler, cooler time with his Cab Calloway-esque version of the song made famous by Blood Sweat & Tears. While more entertaining then the early performers, I continue to struggle with how Abrams will ever go prime-time with his brand of music. Idol has done a solid job of bringing together its most eclectic top 10 ever, however there is still only one, maybe two, performers who have the possibility of selling records to the masses.

Batting clean up was my least favorite contestant now that Stefano was booted last week, Haley Reinhart. Good performance but seven performances later, I never wanted to hear a musician's songs again less than Carole King (in all truth, outside of "You've Got a Friend", I don't think I wanted to hear a Carole King song even before tonight). Between the showcasing of contestants' idiosyncrasies a week or two again and eight Carole King songs, Idol officially jumped the shark for the season tonight.

Most interesting thing about the night is that 'The Voice", airing a night earlier, showed how a fresh new show can add life to a singing competition. With four young, relevant judges, and a fun concept where a contestant's age and how they look doesn't matter in the first round, "The Voice" showed that it too can find talent and perhaps someone who can actually sell more albums than the winner of Idol. Also interesting is the fact that "The Voice" judges provide positive comments, but don't make you feel as if every contestant in front of them is the second coming of Jesus and has the potential to be bigger than music legends like Elvis Presley and The Beatles.

Most obnoxious thing of the night? Extending an already long night with time-wasting duets. Note to the Idol producers: if you do not have 90 minutes to fill with competitive singing, cut it to an hour and save the viewing audience 30 minutes of their lives. If you feel really compelled, save it for the joke-of-an-hour results night when viewers can simply tune in during the last two minutes to catch who was kicked off.

Most disappointing thing of the night? J Lo crossing her legs too quickly when being serenaded by Jacob Lusk and James Durbin and leaving Egotastic (and me) without a prime opportunity to sneak a peek.

Most disturbing thing about the night? Steven Tyler trading his creepy leering stares for a six-year old on his lap. I know Tyler likes them young, but that is simply gross.

And on that note, I am going to prepare for my trip to Hell.

And Then There Were Seven...

2011-04-20T23:11:00.000-04:00

Trying to make up for the lack of females remaining on the show, Idol kicked off the night with a bloody awful rendition of Pink's "So What?". Not only were we forced to listen to the five booted women harmonize horribly, but I believe my ears bled having to listen to Paul McDonald try to keep up with the women. After witnessing this massacre (possibly on par with the Charles Manson murders), America is definitely content with the decision to kick off the majority of these folks...although not according to Steven Tyler who spewed more useless crap with words of "you made America think twice". Think twice about voting them off?! Not quite, perhaps think twice about watching this terrible show!

Taking on America's favorite home-wrecker Lee Ann Rines, Scotty McCreery sang "Swingin'". Underwhelming and boring throughout, McCreery finally showed that he was human and not king of song selection. Perhaps most annoying was the skit prior to his performance where his contestants teased him about the way he holds his microphone; having not paid close attention in the past, I am now totally annoyed when watching McCreery perform.

James Durbin continued to show that he is the one to beat when he performed Mule's "Uprising". While the judges raved so much about this performance that I thought J Lo might spread her legs for him right there and Randy might hold him like McCreery holds a microphone, I simply thought it was a mediocre performance. Always preferring folks like Durbin and Lambert to use their screams in moderation, I wasn't a fan of the screams near the end of the song. Coolest gimmick? The drummers.

Amazingly, for the first time, I enjoyed Haley Reinhart's performance when she sang Adele's "Rolling in the Deep". While pitchy at times, Reinhart chose a great song for her throaty voice. Once again, however, I became irritated when Reinhart's fellow contestant commented on her idiosyncrasies, including how she growls during songs.

Jacob Lusk took on the mighty Luther and the very beautifully written "Dance With My Father". Sounding much like Kermit the Frog for the second or third time this season, tonight's performance didn't do much for me. Lusk did an outstanding job at hitting the high note near the end and even better job at not being the Diva that his fellow contestants described prior to his performance, but unfortunately not a bang up job when it came to the overall performance

I am afraid to insult Casey Abram's performance of "Harder to Breathe" as I am downright scared of the guy when he puts his angry face on during performance. I haven't seen such an odd face during a performance like this since John Mayer started out and couldn't avoid his "O" face while singing. Perhaps I heard something different than the judges, but it seemed like Abrams was off just a bit a number of times during the song.

Abrams does score points for getting Seacrest to acknowledge there was a joke in Seacrest wearing a beard (hey Troy Aikman recently shed his when he got divorced so perhaps there is a new couple in the future). Seacrest followed with the gem, "this is what it feels like to be a man". Yes, Ryan, those over 5' tall and 18 years of age are considered men...don't worry, a few more inches and you'll be there. But we weren't done there when Seacrest stated "I can't get it off". .I wasn't sure if he was talking about the glue from the beard or perhaps the glue from someone else pre-show.

Stefano Langone hopefully earned the least number of votes with a terribly cheesy and poor rendition of Ne-Yo's "Closer". What was once a cool and sexy song was turned in a performance that was closer to what one would see at some small-town karaoke bar than what is expected from someone in the top seven. Shocking (he said sarcastically) that the judges liked the performance.

Lauren Alaina batted clean up with Sara Evans' "Born to Fly" and had me agreeing with douchebag producer, Jimmy Iovine's comment that Alaina tends to hold back during her performances. At points in the performance, I saw the Alaina that had the potential to win this thing, but unfortunately she seemed stiff through much of the performance and just didn't bring it.

Voting has been unpredictable so it is hard to say who is going to go home tomorrow night, but I would put Langone, Abrams, and Alaina in the bottom with Langone going home.

Idol Takes on The Movies

2011-04-13T23:47:00.000-04:00

After playing up the Pia exit on the intro, Idol wasted no time in getting down to the night's theme of songs from the movies.

Paul McDonald got the night rocking with an energetic "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll" by Detroit's own Bob Seger. While the judges praised McDonald (as they seem to do for every contestant this season), McDonald has worn out his welcome with me and most likely America, as well. Watching the saxophonist blow was much stronger (and made for much better dirty thoughts) than watching McDonald's performance. True, McDonald has a very unique and cool voice, however his range is limited and wears thin quickly.W ith Kenny Loggins performing the vast majority of great movie songs in the 80's ("Footloose", "I'm Alright", "Meet Me Halfway", "Highway to the Danger Zone", and many more), I would have much preferred to see McDonald's raspy voice take on a Loggins favorite.

Lauren Alaina channeled everyone's favorite former jailbait Miley Cyrus with a song from...the Hannah Montana movie?! It is times like these that I remember she is just 16 years old. While I originally found Alaina to be the front runner, she is another contestant that I have grown tired of. In addition to paling in comparison to Miley's version and including a few pitchy moments, the performance was pretty darn boring. Alaina shows her age with the lack of stage presence she brings week in and week out.

America's next castoff (I hope) Stefano Langone performed a fitting song for him with Boyz II Men's "End of the Road". It is nights like tonight when I truly miss Simon because regardless of how mediocre this performance was (or above average as the judges thought), Simon would have found a good dig on this kid. While I cannot deny Langone's passion tonight, Langone is simply lame. He looks lame, he acts lame, he sings lame. The only cool thing about this kid is that his dad is a dead ringer for Howie Mandel and I don't even know how cool that is in the year 2011 (although I do love Howie).

Country boy Scotty McCreery took on "Across My Heart" from the little seen movie "Pure Country" and once again nailed it. McCreery will once again coast through to next week, but one has to wonder when his love of country will doom him since the majority of viewers are most likely not country fans. True Carrie Underwood won Idol, but she performed a number of crossover hits while McCreery stays true to his true country roots. As said in many blogs in the past, it really doesn't matter at this point as McCreery is guaranteed a record deal and most likely great success in the world of country. McCreery is one of the youngest contestants, but probably the first contestant in the history of Idol to choose the right song week after week.

Casey Abrams battled the ego of Jimmy Iovine by defying Iovine's song choice when he performed Nat King Cole's "Nature Boy". While the song was a little too loungey (yes, a made up word) for my taste, it was a solid performance for sure, reminiscent of a mixture of Harry Connick's cover and Celine Dion's cover versions. Props to Abrams for not only taking on the way-too-cocky (and bordering on the point of just being a d-ck, Jimmy Iovine), but also for dropping the name of recent Grammy winner Esperanza Spaulding.

Haley Reinhart performed Blondie's "Call Me" and outside of looking hot in her sparkling dress, her performance once again didn't do much for me. Interestingly enough, while not a fan of Reinhart all season, this is the first time that I didn't despise her.

Jacob Lusk performed "Bridge Over Troubled Water" which apparently wasn't made famous by Simon & Garfunkel, but instead was from the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". Lusk shined on this gospel rendition of the S&G classic, but once again, failed to bring excitement to the table.

Which brings us to James Durbin. Thank goodness for Durbin who finally brought a smile to my face for the first time this evening when he performed Sammy Hagar's "Heavy Metal". For the second time in the evening, a contestant went against Iovine's song choice and once again, the contestant slayed it. Tonight, Durbin separated himself from Adam Lambert and showed that he is his own man and has the making of a real artist. While I wasn't familiar with the song, I couldn't help but rock out with Durbin.

Before Durbin performed tonight I was going to write that Idol was going to crown another contestant who was going to sell 50,000 albums tops (not counting McCreery because I truly do not feel he will win). A number of the contestants are extremely talented and will sell records in their own genre of music (McCreery in country, Lusk in gospel, Abrams in blues/jazz), but after Durbin's performance, it seems that Idol may finally have the guy who will prove that Idol can actually move albums. Yes, Durbin at times can show signs of a prima donna in the making and he is still compared often to Adam Lambert, however Durbin appears to be less polarizing than Lambert and that alone could spell better success for Durbin.

Overall, an interesting night, mostly because Idol's experiment of having a producer help contestants choose songs backfired greatly when he got the smackdown and proved wrong... twice. It makes one wonder whether he or anyone else will be back next year in that role. Idol needs to continue to stay relevant with "X Factor" hot on its heels (starting next fall) and it now appears that along with changes to the voting, it may need to make another change, as well. Should Idol not make one or both of these changes, expect Idol to see its days numbered beginning in the fall.

Toscano's Exit Outrages America (Or Those Who Care)

2011-04-13T07:33:00.000-04:00

Having been out of town on vacation last week, I missed the opportunity to blog about last week's Idol performances and the subsequent ousting of the exceptionally beautiful and reasonably talented Pia Toscano. As soon as it was announced that Toscano was the performer going home, the blogosphere lit up with rants and raves on how such a thing could happen. Billboard offered their own theories which I am happy to comment on and then expand further with my own theory. Billboard's theories included:

1) Girls don't like girls: Couldn't agree more. With only two girls now left, it is apparent that those that actually waste their time voting for their favorite performer are in fact (young) girls. As for why Toscano was chosen this week when she is one of the top two talented females on the show this year, it is very apparent why: girls don't only dislike other girls...they greatly dislike hot girls. Look at a pack of girls at the mall and you are guaranteed to find one shorter, fatter, uglier girl with the bunch. Why? Because girls are so charitable and want to help this poor troll? Nope...it is that shorter, fatter, uglier girl makes the other girls feel better about themselves. When young girls looked at Pia, all they saw was a shorter, fatter, uglier girl in the mirror and guaranteed they didn't like it.

2) Lack of guidance by the judges: While this year's talent does seem to be more talented than recent years, these kids are also far from perfect. The judges bestow such positive accolades you almost feel like each of these kids will put out a #1 album. Unfortunately for each of them, if the past is any indication, the majority will be lucky to sell 50,000 albums.

Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson at times try to offer some guidance, but overall the judges are way too positive with their feedback. Having watched the performances after knowing who was kicked off, it is interesting to note that these two actually gave Toscano more constructive criticism (which some view as negative feedback) than any of the other contestants last week.

Steven Tyler continues to be completely useless with only positive words and way-too-creepy leers at the girls. With only two girls left, it looks like we will soon see Tyler's other side when he leers at the boys. With some of his leers, I seriously feel like he is the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood just waiting to eat one of the female performers.

3) Presumptive Winner Syndrome: Every season we get to a point where a contestant who is more talented than most of the others is voted off and then we have to continually listen to the judges rant and rave about how important it is to vote for your favorite performer. Granted, America usually gets it wrong later in the competition, but I don't really understand why America is so up in arms about Toscano or really any other performer for that matter. Looking at every year except when Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood won, the runner-up or those finishing even lower (Chris Daughtry and Jennifer Hudson) outsell those who win. Would you really want to have to sing that cheesy winning song and then release it as a single?!

A note to the judges: if you are going to make a big deal every year about too-talented contestants being voted off early then CHANGE THE VOTING! While I haven't watched "Dancing With the Stars" in years, it seems that their voting model works: 50% of the outcome is based on America's voting with the other 50% being the judge's votes. Do the producers really think America is smart enough to pick the best person? Looking at the number of albums sold by the winner every year, the answer is no, but more on that in just a minute.

4) The producers deemed it so: A stupid theory that the producers rigged the competition. What is interesting is that this is the first year that we aren't hearing about the controversial Vote for the Worst where the public votes for the worst contestant each week just to f-ck with the show.

5) You can't touch Tina: Another stupid Billboard theory. While I admit that it is dumb to tackle artists like Mariah Carey and Celine Dion, Toscano proved me wrong this year.

Now for my theory and one that I seem to share every year: AMERICA IS STUPID. Leave the fact that America continually ranks behind a number of countries in math and science (heck, probably English as well!), what other reason could there be? Let's look at some of the reasons why America is stupid and probably shouldn't be trusted fully with voting for the best singer:

1) Almost 10 million people watch a bunch of poorly acted, overly tan, moronic 20-somethings fight, drink and tan every week. Yes, I am talking to you pathetic people who watch "Jersey Shore" each week.

2) Because of the pathetic American people who watch "Jersey Shore" these poorly acting, overly tan, moronic 20-somethings just received a raise to over $100,000...AN EPISODE!

3) Our highly respected educational establishments are paying poorly acting, overly tan, moronic, midget, oompa-loompas like Snooki more money to speak than highly respected people like Maya Angelou. That's right, Snooki was paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers recently when they paid Angelou just $30,000.

4) Look at the covers of magazines like Us and OK and every other week you see girls from some television show called "Teen Moms". These girls are now glamorized for being young and having kids out of wedlock...know what we used to call these girls when I was in high school? Sluts.

5) America voted George W. Bush into office.

6) America voted George W. Bush back in office.

At the end of the day, Toscano is going to be fine. Already, she has probably received more media attention than she ever would have received if she finished in any spot but the top. And Idol? They love the attention. Since the beginning of the season, Idol has continually seen a drop in ratings and there is nothing better than having the media spotlight back on the show to give it a spike. Hmm...perhaps theory #4 above isn't so crazy after all.

Duh, LOSING.

2011-04-03T07:08:00.000-04:00

Still reeling from a night in which I witnessed the worst disaster in world history...

Last night was so bad that Amtrak issued a press release that it no longer owns the dubious distinction of being responsible for the biggest train wreck...that distinction solely rests with Charlie Sheen from now own. Heck, if Rodney King had been there, even he would have admitted that his beat down at the hands of the LA Police wasn't as painful as having to endure 75 minutes of the destruction of Charlie Sheen.

On a night when Charlie Sheen would either see his stock soar or plummet, Sheen quickly proved to the world that he is as worthless as the house that you own right now. Never before has mankind witnessed someone go from hero to many to zero in such a quick timeframe.

The night began so promising at Hockey Town, getting our drink on (as adult beverages could only enhance what was expected to be a memorable night). Memorable it was, but unfortunately for such the wrong reasons.

Kirk Fox, a comedian who quickly proved to the be the WORST comedian ever to grace the stage of The Fox (or any stage for that matter), opened for Sheen. While it is true that no one was really going to get a fair shot as the crowd was anxiously waiting for the Warlock, Fox lost the crowd in less than two minutes flat. With jokes that were less funny than watching an inebriated David Hasselhoff eat a hamburger off the floor, I found myself realizing that my four-year old daughter could string together a better joke than this guy. Sh-t, my daughter's knock knock jokes that make NO sense whatever actually would have elicited more laughs than this guy.

After watching Fox bomb worse than Pearl Harbor, The Warlock finally took the stage with his Goddesses in tow. With the Goddesses twisting tongues like every guy has fantasized and Sheen soon thereafter putting on a Tigers jersey (clearly pandering but still great to see), the night seemed like it might not be so bad after all. Boy is that an understatement. What followed was 60-70 minutes of a guy who clearly has hit rock bottom.

Having said to my friends prior to the show that Sheen missed the opportunity to start his tour while he was still red hot (lets be honest, America has already grown tired of Sheen's rants and raves), one friend mentioned that he needed time to put together the tour. Seriously? Saturday's night "performance" needed preparation? From Sheen's Presidential address to his pure disregard for the fine people of Detroit when he didn't even finish the show, the night was pure crap. F-ck, I thought the Ted Danson and Howie Mandel movie "A Fine Mess" was a hot mess, but nothing held a candle to the fine mess left by Sheen last night.

Between the sh-tty rap performance by Sheen friend Dirty Nasty (aka Simon Rex...aka the guy who appeared in masturbation videos Young, Hard & Solo II; Young, Hard & Solo III; and Hot Sessions III so says my buddy Sips, aka the tool who was a VJ on MTV), Sheen directed/produced "movie" starring a young Johnny Depp and Clint Howard, shots at Detroit and the ready availability of crack, and the granddaddy of them all, "Sorry dude, already got your money", the night was simply a disappointment.

Sheen's career very well could have ended on Saturday night. Sheen once hailed for being the guy who went against the establishment will now simply be pitied for being so pathetic and for wasting 75 minutes of the lives of 5,000+ (and unfortunately others who waste their money to see him on tour).

For me, I lost a guy who I used to admire as an actor. Wall Street. Platoon. Sh-t, even Major League. For me, Sheen joined the circle of actors for which it will be difficult to watch on film or television again (yes Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise, I am speaking of you). For me, I lost the only man I followed on Twitter.

As I told my friends after the show, a show in which I was provided free tickets: it was the worst performance that i never paid for. Charlie Sheen has officially gone from doing blow to just blowing.

After Tomorrow Night, Only Nine To Be "Still Standing"

2011-03-30T23:34:00.000-04:00

The Bitch is Back. After a week off due to illness, a new blog post for your enjoyment.

During a season in which we have seen the absurd (Hulk Hogan? Casey Abrams almost kicked off and almost have a heart attack rather than some of the talentless females? Shameless plug for J Lo's new video? Steven Tyler trying to hide his creepiness? Steven Tyler trying to actually be a judge that has something valuable to add? ), we have also been graced with some very strong occurrences (last week's Motown theme week and a much improved Jennifer Lopez, and a very hot Lopez). Tonight fell somewhere in the middle as the contestants took on the songs of Elton John. Apparently this is Elton John week as Idol featured his music tonight and he will be on SNL this weekend.

Scotty McCreery kicked off the night with little known tune "Country Comfort", a song that once again was a fine choice for Idol's good ole country boy. McCreery hit all of the notes, but I simply found tonight's performance boring and lacking a little something. As I thought about this week's theme this morning, I thought that more popular John songs like "Levon" or "Tiny Dancer" would be a perfect fit for this country bumpkin.

The contestant that I hope gets kicked off next, Naima Adedapo, brought Jamaica to the Idol stage with a reggae version of "I'm Still Standing". Unfortunately for Adedapo, she can't sing R&B, Jazz, Reggae, nor any other type of music in tune. As I ~~listened~~ suffered through this painful rendition, I felt as if I just got off the cruise ship in Jamaica and was forced to have to wade through the awful welcome band to get to the shops that were going ultimately going to take advantage of another stupid American. Adedapo seems to want to differentiate herself from the crowd. Good news? Success...she has proven herself to be the most terrible of the bunch.

Idol's most unique and quietest contestant, Paul McDonald, failed to connect with one of Elton John's best songs,"Rocket Man". At times sounding like he was ahead of the music (and at times behind), McDonald struggled tonight. Like the judges stated, it feels like McDonald is holding back. Expect McDonald to be gone in the next 3-4 weeks as America is going to grow tired of his oddities.

Resident Idol hottie Pia Toscano took on Michael Jackson's favorite song, "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...wait, I think it might be "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me". Performing with an almost country twang at times, Toscano proved once again that she can sing a ballad. The question is whether Toscano is really marketable? Take her out of her stripper heels and her short dresses (and trust me, I have in my head...many times) and I have a tough time imagining her on the radio. Outside of a select few leading ladies, many of the females on the radio today don't sing the traditional songs that Toscano seems to take on week after week. As of today, the only way I see Toscano on the radio is as part of a rap-type song like Skylar Grey on Dre/Eminem's "I Need a Doctor" or Rihanna on Eminem's "Love the Way You Lie".

Idol's cheesiest contestant (and very poor man's Enrique Iglesias), Stefano Langone, butchered my favorite John tune, "Tiny Dancer", making me long for the cast in the awesome movie "Almost Famous" singing it on the tour bus. The good news for Langone is that Iglesias bowed out of Britney Spears' tour before it even began so perhaps this train wreck can join another train wreck.

Lauren Alaina performed solidly as she always does with Norma Jean (better known as Marilyn Monroe) tribute song "Candle in the Wind". A very sensitive performance, I would have liked to see the song one octave lower as it seemed a little too high for Alaina. Props to the fashion coordinators for hiding Alaina's Kelly Clarkson-esque curves.

Crazy man James Durbin "rocked" out to "Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)". While normally liking Durbin's schizophrenic-like performances, tonight's Wednesday night performance was just alright (and could have gone without the Lambert mid-song squealing). I would have much preferred to see Durbin taking on "I'm Still Standing" or even better "Pinball Wizard". With all that said, it was nice to see someone bring some fun to the show and he always perks up the crowd.

Thia Megia slowed things down again with "Daniel". Looking pained during a few notes, Megia sung the song beautifully, but she simply bored me. Once again, I have trouble finding a way that Megia will make it on the airwaves. I kept waiting to hear the song open up, moving away from the boring ballad and was disappointed to not see that happen.

Sasquatch Casey Abrams cleaned himself up and performed a very tender version of "Your Song". While the performance was strong, I would have liked to see Abrams put some of his own touches on the song which you could almost see occur once or twice, but never come to a full boil. I do hope that America is smarter this week and leaves Abrams off the elimination list. I do fear that Abrams appears to have lost a lot of weight since the beginning of the show, most likely due to his health issues (colitis)...plus I don't know what would happen if he really got kicked off after watching him nearly fall to pieces last week.

Gospel warbler Jacob Lusk wins the award for the contestant who connected most with their song choice. While "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" is far from my favorite song, Lusk hits the notes spot on tonight just as he does week after week. Still, I am ready for Lusk to make his exit, record his gospel album, and take his spot amongst the top of the gospel charts....most ready for his exit.

Finishing the night and doing her best Michelle Pfeiffer impersonation, Haley Reinhart did the best job tonight...best job destroying Elton John. The judges loved the performance, however I simply couldn't put my finger on the arrangement (sultry? jazzy? bluesy?). I don't like Reinhart, her voice, or her personality, and I simply want to see her go.

Bottom three may very likely see Naima Adedapo, Stefano Langone, and Paul McDonald...or ideally Reinhart in McDonald's place.

Just Like Idol Contestants, Growing Sick of Idol

2011-03-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

On perhaps the week I hate most every year on Idol, contestants sang songs from the year they were born which resulted in songs from the 80's and 90's. It's not that there is anything wrong with these decades as there is a slew of music I love, it is simply that I find myself learning that these kids were born anywhere from the year I was Bar Mitzvah'd to the year I graduated from high school. I rue the day when they were born the year I graduated from college (sadly that is just a few seasons away).

As for the contestants tonight, off key and flat throughout, Naima Adedapo opened the night and made me think less of the Tina Turner classic "What's Love Got To Do With It?" and more of "What Does Being in Tune Got To Do With It?" The answer? Everything. For a song that should have been perfect for Adedapo, it was plain awful. Steven Tyler showed that once again he is a useless judge who will simply complement the female contestants with the hope that he'll get into their pants later.(1984)

Paul McDonald had a blast on the stage regardless of pitch problems due to a cold when he took on Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues". McDonald made me feel like I was watching a six-year old kid who has ADD (not to mention a kid who found his mom's scissors and cut his own hair). I'm not sure who I felt worse for...McDonald and his cold or the cameramen who had to try and follow this cocaine-fueled performance. (1984)

Thia Megia slowed things down with "Colors of the Wind" by everyone's favorite scorned (and best nude) pageant queen Vanessa Williams. If it wasn't for Megia's skin-tight and sheer dress (yes, send me to jail now), this performance would be even less mediocre than it was. (1995)

James Durbin performed my favorite Bar Mitzvah slow dance "I'll Be There For You" by one of my generation's greatest bands Bon Jovi. For the first time in this competition, Durbin missed the mark for me. Instead of slow dancing three feet away from the girl that I would later go home and do dirty things to myself thinking about, Durbin pulled up flat throughout the song and it was disappointing that he essentially only sang the chorus, skipping the beginning of the song that leads up to the powerful chorus. With all of that said, Durbin is a natural performer and brings something to the stage that most of the contestants just don't possess...personality, comfort with being on stage, and the voice to back up a hint of cockiness. (1989)

Haley Reinhart fell into the trap that I continue to voice week after week of taking on a voice that is simply too big for them. Reinhart couldn't be further out of the league like a talent like Whitney Houston in her hey day. Now, to her credit, Reinhart did sound like the Houston of today...off key, uncomfortable on stage, and perhaps strung out. Oh yeah, and it never helps when a judge starts out with "you look great tonight". As for the red lipstick smeared on her face? There is only one place I care to see that lipstick smeared... Cue the exit music.(1990)

Stefano Langone performed solidly with "If You Don't Know Me By Now", however I simply just don't care to know this kid...and it doesn't help that I now read that he was issued a DUI in 2010 (not long after he was almost killed by a drunk driver). Way to learn a lesson boy. God help Idol if this kid somehow wins...he is as boring as Lee DeWyze and will sell as few albums as DeWyze too. (1989)

After slaying a Celine Dion cover, Pia Toscano took on Whitney Houston's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go". Showing Haley Reinhart the difference between what a powerful singer can do with a song by Houston, Toscano was strong enough to continue in this competition. It wasn't the most amazing performance ever, but she definitely has pipes. I would love to see Toscano bring some diva to her performance if she is going to take on the heavyweights of the music world. Perhaps the most disappointing part of her performance was the video of her parents before her song and learning what Toscano may look like when she gets older...some guy better enjoy the good years while he can get them. (1988)

Country crooner Scotty McCreery continued his string of great performances with Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You With My Heart?". Every time this kid opens his mouth, I try to understand where that low voice comes from. It was great to hear him belt out a little bit at the end to see a bit more of his range. McCreery continues to be of my favorites despite my less-than-love for 'real' country music; I worry that America will grow tired of country if he doesn't take a chance here or there. As stated in the past, no matter what happens with his run on Idol, expect a top-selling country record for McCreery. (1993)

Perhaps my least favorite female contestant, Karen Rodriguez, performed Taylor Dane's "Love Will Lead You Back" where she kindly put me to sleep, allowing me to get a nice two-minute rest. Waking up to hear her sing Spanish, Rodriguez should stick with singing Spanish because she seems to most comfortable when singing in her native tongue. Most embarrassing part of her performance? The Idol producers including English subtitles for her mother when she was speaking ENGLISH! I recognize that America isn't the brightest of countries, but give the viewers some credit. (1989)

Casey Abrams survived another round of hospital visits to be the first contestant to whip out an instrument when he plucked the strings on Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Freaking me out with a look on his face like that of Hannibal Lecter and the voice, at times, of Adam Sandler screaming, Abrams seemed to impress the judges but simply didn't do much for me. (1991)

Lauren Alaina battled through the flu on a country/bluesy take of Melissa Ethridge's "I'm the Only One". While not her best performance due to her illness, it amazed me how she is still far better than the majority of the contestants who sung healthy. I think I was most disturbed by the fact that I think her parents are younger than me and they have a 16-year old! Not sure if that makes her mom a slut, Lauren an accident, or simply young love..lets hope for the latter. (1994)

Jacob Lusk closed the night with Heart's "Alone" and it appears that this week was the week where I finally grew tired of him. Lusk can definitely sing, but he simply isn't going to win the competition and I would rather just see him go now rather than listen to him sing songs that just aren't right for him. After listening to Lusk speak, I am convinced that if he doesn't make it in gospel, he can perhaps play a muppet. (1987)

Overall, a hum-drum night of performances and I find myself getting bored of Idol already. Like seasons past, it looks like it is going to be a long one...

What a Sham...

2011-03-10T01:05:00.000-05:00

In a sign that Idol has no faith in its judges nor its production staff, Idol took precautions by pre-taping tonight's Idol show, rumored to be taped because of sound quality issues and wanting to have more time for the judges to gel with one another. What a sham! As cheesy as a show as Idol is, having performers sing live adds a bit of legitimacy to the talent show. Providing a taped edition? Well that merely puts it in the same sentence as shows like "Jersey (Douche Bags) Shore" and "Real Housewives (Made of Plastic)"

Lauren Alaina started the night off with Shania Twain's ""Any Man of Mine" which surprised with a few pitchy spots and a lack of oomph, but once again showed that Alain is in her comfort zone when singing country pop by stars like Shania Twain and Taylor Swift. Showing her age, Alaina also showed that she may be a bit too young to make it through this competition as you could tell that she has a hard time receiving less-than-positive feedback.

Casey Abrams performed the classic "With a Little Help From My Friends" and while the performance was enjoyable, he chose not to growl out some of the high notes that make the song a classic. For me, the best part was Casey saying that Joe Cocker doesn't look that hot when singing...perfect words for a guy that looks Sasquatch's lost son.

Ashthon Jones started off pitchy and didn't quite find her way on a shaky "When You Tell Me You Love Me". While originally a fan of Jones, it may be that she simply has the look and attitude of a diva; unfortunately for this singing competition, she needs the voice to go with it, as well.

One of my personal favorites, Paul McDonald, took on Ryan Adams "Come Pick Me Up". Looking like a lost member of the Sgt. Heart's Lonely Club Band, I am starting to wonder if I can take numerous weeks of McDonald's eccentricities. McDonald has a very interesting voice, but it is not extremely strong and he is going to have to be careful not to get swallowed by the band backing him up. As for J Lo, way to show her ignorance of not knowing a singer songwriter like Adams.

Pia Toscano had me wishing for a Janet Jackson Super Bowl moment like never before when she performed in a tight sequined dress. The good news for Toscano is that if Idol doesn't work for her, I am sure that Playboy would be extremely interested in her. And heck, if Playboy weren't interested, I may be willing to pay for a peek. As for her song selection (since this is a song contest, of course), Toscano took the bold step of performing Celine Dion's "All By Myself" and I am going to have to eat my words from last week in which I stated that competitors should not take on a singer like Dion because Toscano BROUGHT IT! Wow...a great version of Dion's popular song.

Screamer James Durbin surprised me as idolizing Paul McCartney as I thought it was Adam Lambert with his almost dead-on impersonation of Lambert. Durbin was pleasantly good in a toned down performance of "Maybe I'm Amazed". Durbin has an outstanding voice and should finish in the top three if he continues at this pace. Again, he has to learn to keep that scream in check and use it only when needed.

My least favorite contestant, Haley Reinhart sung "Blue" from home wrecker LeAnn Rines and did a solid job. While I find her to be very annoying, she knows country is her strong suit and picked a smart song for her fan base. Like Randy said, it was a bit boring of a performance and I think I might be sent to jail for staring more at her cleavage than listening to her voice (underage?).

Not wanting to be outdone by Haley who song a song by whore LeAnn Rines, Jacob Lusk took on everyone's favorite musician who likes to urinate on underage girls, R Kelly. Choosing the perfect song for his voice, Lusk belted out a pitchy yet powerful "I Believe I Can Fly". In week one of the top 13, his over-the-top voice is a little too much for me and I will definitely grow tired of him soon enough...America won't be far behind. Thankfully, Lusk chose not to urinate on 15-year old contestant Thia...that would have been simply uncomfortable.

Thia Megia showed her age when she was unfamiliar with the great silent star Charlie Chaplin when she chose the tender "Smile" made even more famous by Michael Jackson. While I didn't hear it last week, Megia does sound much like my favorite artist Michael Jackson. Once again, Randy said it well again when he stated that the first half of the song was much better than the jazz arrangement in the latter half. Shame on the producers for choosing that arrangement.

Singing Stevie Wonder's "Lately", Stefano Langone failed for me simply because of the odd disco/dance beat set to this great song. Langone has a great voice, but I still think he needs to stick with Latin where he will find his best success post Idol. Langone only has a few more weeks left on the show so he should show his strength in Latin music soon.

Karen Rodriguez smartly chose Selena, sticking with her strong suit, however the arrangement started and continued too low and as a result, Rodriguez never found her footing. The pitchy performance combined with the awful outfit could very well result in Rodriguez's exit tomorrow night.

Country crooner Scotty McCreery performed Garth Brooks' classic "The River" and continued to amaze me with his voice...truly amazing that he is just a high school teenager. While the band swallowed his voice a few times, his low voice and country twang is simply amazing and I have no doubt that he will have at least one #1 hit on the country charts no matter what happens on Idol.

Dentist dream Naima Adedapo butchered Rhianna's "Umbrella" and once again I felt like I was watching Chris Brown doing his dirty work to an Idol contestant. It was a horrible performance that was only saved by a cool Jamaican reggae twist in the middle.

After watching the entire show, I didn't understand half of what the heck Steven Tyler was talking about, but J Lo was much stronger with her feedback tonight. The real question is whether she can do the same when the show returns live next week...and it better return live.

After week one, expect the girls to be short one contestant when either Karen Rodriguez, Ashthon Jones, or Naima Adedapo heads home.

The Top 13 Becomes a Snoozefest

2011-03-03T23:39:00.001-05:00

In a sign of being completely useless for a second night, Steven Tyler started the night by refusing to answer which group (guys or girls) was better during the last round. Now listen, I understand that Tyler does not want to play the role of Simon, however it isn't like Ryan Seacrest was asking which group he should send to the chambers (yes, I know, I am going to hell for that one).

So how did Idol ~~fill~~ waste two hours? Well near 1 hour and 30 minutes was wasted with interviews, recaps, and other crap (including J Lo's new video) that no one cares about. Idol seems to be the reason that the DVR was existed...so you can fast forward through all the needless bullsh-t.

Idol eventually got to revealing the Top 10 of which I agreed with 8 of the 10. The Top 10 included: Scott McCreery, Pia Toscano, Lauren Alaina, Karen Rodriguez, Jacob Lusk, Casey Abrams, Thia Megia, Paul McDonald, Haley Reinhart, and James Durbin.

As for those booted, most were booted fairly in my mind including: ~~Mao Tse T aung~~ Clint Jun Gamboa, Jordan Dorsey, Jovany Barreto, Ta-tynisa Wilson, Julie Zorrilla, Kendra Chantelle, Tim Halperin, Naima Adedapo, Lauren Turner, Brett Loewenstern , Rachel Zevita, and Stefano Langone

Booted Unfairly were Robbie Rosen and Ashton Jones.

During Double Jeopardy, Ashton proved, as I expected, that she deserved a spot in the Top 10. While I stick with my selection of Stefano Langone being booted fairly, the kid performed well and has a very pure voice. Kendra lacks "it" and simply doesn't do it for me (and let's be honest, it is all about me). Jovany Barreto played it ~~smart~~ safe by choosing a Latin artist when he performed Jon Secada's "Angel". Like Karen Rodriguez a night early, Barreto played to J Lo by leveraging his roots and sang the song in English and Spanish. Naima can sing, but she is boring and really has no shot at the crown so better to just ax her now. Robbie chose a slow song that was performed well, but didn't show anything special.

The judges ultimately went with Ashton, Stefano, and Naima which I can understand and respect. Unfortunately, of those, only one has a decent shot to go far in the competition.

Final Observations:

What the f-ck was Steven Tyler wearing tonight? I love to wear pink, but I am not too much into wearing women's blouses.
Brett Loewenstern couldn't be more annoying...really, you had to hug the judges before you left? Sorry Ginger, your 5 minutes are up (he doesn't deserve 15 minutes).
Can we stop with the dramatics? These kids are not singing for their lives...life will go on. Like I said, no one is sending these kids are going to the chambers (just driving home that I am going to hell).
It is bad enough that we are generally forced to watch crappy in-show commercials for Coca-Cola and Ford, but now we're handcuffed to watch one of the judges promote her own music? Can you imagine a ref interrupting play to shoot a 3-pointer? That said, I definitely enjoyed the Kaoma interlude during the song and I am thinking that I may want to eat off of J Lo's sick abs.
Is it me or does it appear that most of the contestants in the Top 13 don't like each other? Doesn't seem like there is a lot of love going around.
Do the Idol judges hate Jews? All were booted...boo!

As Randy said, America picked a solid Top 10 and the judges selected a respectable three additional contestants. It should be an interesting season as outside of Haley, Karen, Stefano, and Naima who should go home early, a majority of the top 13 have a legitimate shot at the crown.

Lauren Alaina and Scott McCreery remain my favorites if not simply for the reason that these two have the best shot at true success in the pop/country and country world respectively. Yes, some might say that I should include Jacob Lusk, however trust me that you will tire of him and his dramatics. And, while I love Paul McDonald and Casey Abrams, neither will be any more successful than recent Idol winners Lee DeWyze (I bet you didn't even remember he won) and Kris Allen and the ultimate goal of this show is to find someone who is going to sell albums.

The Ladies Take a Turn

2011-03-03T00:07:00.000-05:00

So after a lackluster night of the guy's, we were treated to an equally lackluster night of the girl's. After my initial reaction of the best talent in Idol history, I am wondering if I got bamboozled with the editing of the audition and Hollywood rounds.

The night began with Ta-tynisa Wilson. First off, seriously? Not only do I not know whether to capitalize the second part of her first name, but I am not sure if it is even worth writing about this talentless contestant. In the history of Idol, this could be the WORST performance ever. Now I know what Rihanna felt like when Chris Brown beat the sh-t out of her. And, equally as bad as this destruction of "Only Girl in the World" was, the fact that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez thought this was a strong performance, shows how completely useless they are to this competition.

Speaking of Steven Tyler, did he snort his nose away early in his career? It looks like someone took Michael Jackson's nose and stuck it on this guy. Perhaps he should compare nose jobs with some of the wives on those Real Housewives shows.

Naima Adedapo showed she can sing with a jazzy take on classic "Summertime"...but also showed that she needs a dentist just as bad as last year's runner-up Crystal Bowersox.

Kendra Chantelle took on the music industry's newest drunk, Christina Aguilera, with "Impossible", a song that very few people know, and a song that only a few people can sing due to the complexities of an Aguilera-written song . I don't want to say it, but it is near impossible for this chick to make it to the next round. To her benefit, she looked pretty smoking dressed in black...stick Steven Tyler's nose on this girl and she gets even hotter.

Rachel Zevita, this year's most annoying contestant, had quite the interesting take on Fiona Apple's "Criminal". Definitely too much cabaret and reminding me more of the annoying character Rachel on "Glee", I will not miss Zevita should she not make it through to the next round. Annoying as she is, she happens to actually have a good voice.

Karen Rodriguez slowed down an already slow night with Mariah Carey's "Hero". In an attempt to secure the Hispanic audience and endear J Lo, Rodriguez mixed English with Spanish. While not awful, why don't contestants realize that they should not pick songs by singers like Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, etc.? Rodriguez will pass through strictly based on the fact that she wrapped up the Hispanic audience, something that the Latin guy last night failed to do.

After watching Lauren Turner, this must be what J Lo meant when she mentioned being beautiful inside and out, because she must be keeping it all inside. A solid performance, but I am not familiar with the song and it didn't really grab me.

Ashton Jones, perhaps one of the front runners this season, sang Monica's little known song "Love All Over Me". What could be one of the worst songs ever on the show, Jones showed she can sing. A mix of former Idol Tamyra Gray and Beyonce, Jones is one of only a handful contestants who has "it".

Julie Zorrilla, one of my personal favorites this season (perhaps because I find her so cute), got swallowed by taking on another powerful singer, Kelly Clarkson, with "Breakaway". Unfortunately like the song, I think she will soon "travel on a jet plane, far away and breakaway". Seriously contestants, pick a song by a singer who doesn't have one of the strongest voices in the music industry. Kelly Clarkson is no Mariah Carey or Celine Dion but she has a very powerful voice and Zorrilla definitely doesn't have that.

Haley Reinhart, unfortunately like the contestants before her, just didn't bring anything special to her take of Alicia Keys "Fallin'" tonight.

Thankfully, the second half of the show picked up with the more-talented ladies.

Thia Megia impressed with "On My Own" from the Fame musical...especially being at only 15 years old. While she is certainly a strong singer, I have issues with the fact that this girl made it to the quarterfinals of "America's Got Talent" not too long ago. Should Idol really be picking up the scraps from a silly show like "AGT"? Idol definitely needs her to continue on because they need the young people to tune in and because they have to show that lowering the age to 15 was a good decision.

Lauren Alaina, a contestant who does have the chops to take on singers like Kelly Clarkson, (country) rocked out to Reba Mcentire's "Turn on the Radio" and showed that she may be the female front runner in this competition. Able to sing country and rock, she will go far.

The night concluded with this year's most beautiful contestant, Pia Toscano, doing justice (and more) to The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You" and made me want to stand by her (and more)....now only if I didn't have to worry about my wife finding out! A standing ovation by all three judges unfortunately puts a bullseye on her back and when I look at the talent of someone like Lauren Alaina, I simply don't know if Toscano has what it takes to last a whole season.

In summary, WTF contestants? Why is that year after year the contestants can't find the right song? Supposedly this year Idol hired a big-time producer to help and while I don't know if he is onboard this early in the competition, however if he is, it is time to find a new producer.

And, who would have ever thought that Randy would say what I write...happened in the past with Simon and I am a bit scared that Randy and I seem to be in agreement. Oh well, I guess it could be worse...it could be Steven Tyler or J Lo!

The Idol Blog is Back

2011-03-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is true, the Idol blog is back. After being fired from The Detroit News two years ago for being too insulting and then running the blog on my own last year for my few dear readers, I am wasting valuable time once again (at least tonight...Jill, you're welcome).

I will start out by admitting that I thought Idol jumped the shark years ago. Now, with Simon gone, I thought that Idol would not only have jumped the shark, but leaped over it like Mike Powell (the all-time long jumper). Dare I say I was surprised when I haven't actually hated the new Idol? That Idol might have life left with Simon gone? That Idol might not get swallowed whole when Simon's anxiously awaited X Factor starts in the fall? Well, after the audition and Hollywood rounds, I am amazed to say that it is possible that Idol has its best talent yet.

Yes, we had to deal with some hiccups along the way like Steven Tyler literally salivating over contestants as young as 15 and having to watch Jennifer Lopez shed tears like she was a strung out Paula Abdul, I have to admit that they have actually had some good feedback for the contestants. Simon is definitely missed with the absence of his pithy comments and the show lacks much of its humor as a result, but Idol seems serious about wanting to find a real singer by adding top talent judges.

Which leads us to tonight, the first of two nights of taped auditions (translation: we do not get to see how good these folks really are).

Clint Jun Gamboa, a four foot tall mutt who reminds me of Where's Waldo made me feel as if I boarded a cruise line and the only way to escape his performance was to jump overboard. Perhaps it was this kid's doucheness when he kicked the young fat kid out in the Hollywood rounds, but I simply hate this little f-ck. The judges may have liked him, but I hope this little douche gets his a-- sent back home.

Jovany Barreto, a guy who hopes to boot Marc Anthony to the curve to get a piece of J Lo's big a-- failed to capitalize on his strength which was imitating Latin stars like Marc Anthony and Luis Miguel by singing out the cheesy "I'll Be". The guy has an amazing voice and should stick with what he does best which is Latin-like music.

Jordan Dorsey proved he never deserved to make the top 12 with a horrendous version of Usher's "Oh My Gosh". To copy someone as talented as Usher, both the voice and the moves, you've got to bring it...Jordan definitely failed at that. Exit stage left Mr. Dorsey.

Tim Halperin, a guy who did not get much screen time in the early rounds showed why...he sucks. Taking on Rob Thomas' "Come on Over", I felt like I was watching that kid from last year who escaped elimination each week last year...can't remember that kid's name and I won't remember this kid's name either.

~~Carrot Top Kathy Griffin look alike~~ Brett Loewenstern may actually have succeeded...in bringing Jim Morrison out of hiding with the most awful and painful rendition of The Door's "Light My Fire". If Morrison is actually dead, he just turned over in grave and prayed for his ears to be eaten by maggots. The judges disagreed, but they did have one thing right...that he was on fire (not that there is anything wrong with that).

Over-exposed James Durbin and Adam Lambert wannabe went bold and took on Judas Priest's "You Got Another Thing Coming". While the guitar playing overtook his voice at times, Durbin can definitely sing. I do fear that he is going to fall into the Lambert problem of screaming every song. If Durbin can reign it in, he will go very far in this talent show.

Robbie Rosen and his schnoz put me to sleep with a very boring "Angel" originally done so wonderfully by Sarah McLachlan. Rosen has one of the best voices on the show this year and he may have blown his chances with this very poor rendition. In honor of his Jewishness, perhaps Sunrise, Sunset for Mr. Rosen?

One of my favorite contestants shockingly enough is Scott McCreery who regardless of his success on Idol will find big success in the world of country. Taking on John Michael Montgomery's "Letters From Home", McCreery knows who he is, what he is good at, and as a result, always chooses the right song. Tonight's performance will easily find him in the Top 12 and if the country voters turn out, this kid has a chance at the title. Again, either way, this kid will be big in country...perhaps even selling more albums than whoever ends up winning Idol. I can already see a duet with former Idol winner Carrie Underwood in the future.

Stefano Langone can sing but Idol contestants should know better than to take on a current top 40 song like "Just the Way You Are". With that said, Langone was better than most of the guys and choosing a current song may actually find him getting more votes than those who chose less noticeable songs. As for Randy's comment about this kid being on the radio, it is still way too early in the competition for comments like that. And can Ryan Seacrest just be truthful and name himself as the person wondering who Stefano was singing the song to? There is no reason to mask it as "a lot of people here in the studio and at home" wanting to know. Alas, Stefano set poor Ryan straight by letting him know that it was for all the ladies out there.

Paul McDonald, one of my favorite contestants, was outstanding taking on Rod Stewart's "Maggie May". McDonald and Casey Abrams are great additions to the show this year; unfortunately I don't know if America will agree. McDonald is atypical from what you hear on the radio today and let's be honest...the people voting for their favorite Idol are also people who watch The Kardashians, Jersey Shore, and Real Housewives...it's not like these people actually have taste.

Gospel singer Jacob Lusk channeled his best Dionne Warwick by successfully taking on "A House is Not a Home". Lusk has one of the best voices but with the lack of success by former winner Ruben Studdard, it is doubtful that Lusk will win. Mark my words that he will be a resounding success on the gospel charts.

Casey Abrams finished the night strong with a powerful "I Put a Spell on You". For a guy who was in the hospital all week, Abrams hopefully earned a spot in the top 12. Unfortunately, like McDonald, he is a bit too odd to find his way to the Idol crown. In a way, Abrams reminds me of past winner Taylor Hicks and unfortunately, once again, with the lack of success of Hicks, it is doubtful Abrams can win the big enchilada.

In summary, who ever thought that Randy would actually bring the best feedback amongst the judges? Honest and almost spot on. Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez bring legitimacy to the judge's panel, but they have to learn not to just stick withe the niceties and to also provide valuable feedback...telling people that they have seen better by the contestant isn't helpful, tell them what they need to do better. Isn't that the reason for successful singers as judges?

Overall, not an awful night of music, but definitely not the top talent I thought going into these rounds. Perhaps the ladies will make me change my mind.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2010-05-28T00:21:00.003-04:00

The most exciting time of the year is upon us...that's right, the time for the networks to release next year's television schedule recently occurred.

With popular serials such as "24" and "Lost" now complete, the age of the exciting serial has come to and end with Fox and ABC choosing not to follow a similar path next season.

So what did this year's upfronts bring us? Amongst the biggest surprises of the upfronts:

CBS's decision to cancel shows like "Cold Case", "Ghost Whisperer", and "The New Adventures of Old Christine" regardless of their high ratings (although ABC is potentially, and intelligently, picking up Christine).
NBC's cancellation of "Law and Order" just before it took the honor of being the longest running drama in history (it will have to remain being tied with old-time "Gunsmoke".
ABC's renewal of "V" (for half a season).
CW renewal of "One Tree Hill" and "Life Unexpected" (for half seasons).

Least surprising? The death of poor remake "Melrose Place". RIP Amanda.

Let's take a look at what each network has in store for next year.

CBS

CBS shocked many when they made the decision to cancel many shows that still bring in the ratings including "Cold Case", "Ghost Whisperer", and "The New Adventures of Old Christine" to bring in fresh comedies and dramas (most likely due to declining ratings and higher production costs).

Another shock came when conservative CBS picked up comedy "$#*! My Dad Says" starring the cockiest man in the business, William Shatner. As the first sitcom born out of social media (coming from a very popular Twitter feed), CBS is showing a lot of faith in the show by putting it on money-making Thursday nights with "The Big Bang Theory"...which led to yet another shock: CBS attempting to make the Thursday 8:00 hour a comedy hour. Sort of an odd set up as the shows are followed by "CSI" and then "The Mentalist". The move to mix comedy and drama will either be one of the smartest decisions of the year or the worst, all depending on where the ratings end up. Personally, I do not see this being the best lead in for "CSI" as the audiences seem to be drastically different, however "The Big Bang Theory" is laugh out loud funny and "$#*! My Dad Says" looks encouraging.

The only other new comedy is "Mike and Molly" about a man and woman who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting...the previews make it seem like this show could be funny. But then again, will you feel bad about laughing at fat people afterwards and how long can laughing at funny people be funny?

In the drama department, CBS picked up:

"Blue Bloods" starring the talented Tom Selleck which Zap2it.com describes as a "multi-generational family drama set in the world of New York City law enforcement". The show will most likely perform well with CBS having success with similar shows like "Criminal Minds". But seriously, what is up with all of the cop dramas?!
'The Defenders" starring the less talented Jerry O'Connell and Jim Belushi as "two larger-than-life lawyers defend their clients against the backdrop of Las Vegas" (thank you Zap2it.com for the description). Wow, a law show with a cocky lawyer, how original. Don't get too invested, this show won't be around for long.
"Hawaii Five-0", a remake of the original. Did "Melrose Place" not teach everyone a lesson of remakes?! Judging by the credits, this show may be extremely cheesy...the preview doesn't make it seem that much better. CBS is definitely hoping that main star Alex O'Loughlin can succeed in this show as his last CBS drama failed miserably.
"Criminal Minds Untitled Spinoff" - It wouldn't be a new season if it didn't include a spinoff of one of its series.

In the news of returning shows, CBS caved to domestic abuser/drug abuser/alcohol abuser/whore patron Charlies Sheen's demands when they upped his pay from $800,000 an episode to somewhere between $1.8-2.0 million an episode. Yes, you read that right...if you beat your wife, abuse drugs and alcohol, and frequent prostitutes, you too can make $24 million a year!

As for the inclusion of advertisements before previews of each new show...BOO!

NBC

After another poor year for NBC (including the ridiculous firing of talented Conan O'Brien for lame host Jay Leno), NBC is hoping to reverse a ratings slide that has continued for years.

NBC announced the addition of seven new dramas (two for midseason) and four new comedies which is sadly more a sign of a piss-poor performance this past season than that of a network who is overenthusiastic about the many new offerings.

NBC has smartly gotten into bed with genius producer J.J. Abrams for one of the most promising new shows "Undercovers", a sexy new spy show starring two relative unknowns as retired CIA agents who also happen to be husband and wife. How can a show that invents the word 'sexpionage' be bad?!

Other dramas include:

"The Event" stars Jason Ritter (son of the much-missed John Ritter) as a guy who stumbles upon a government conspiracy. The preview shows a lot of flash, but the question remains whether it has the substance behind it to keep us entertained for the whole season. Add a storyline that will most likely fall apart when compared to "24" including Blair Underwood as the President (he is no President Palmer), this show may very well turn into a non-event. I'll give it an episode or two, but should it not hook me by then, I am RSVP'ing no.
"Chase" is an action-based series about a team of U.S. marshals out to catch fugitives. Reviewing the preview, it reminds me of a 70's action series (not a bad thing, just an observation) and it seems that the show could grow stale extremely fast. While Jerry Bruckheimer used to be ratings and movie gold in the past, he has recently shown that he is human and can produce failures. I have never been a fan of shows that wrap up each episode in a neat bow at the 58 minute mark. Only time will tell on this one.
"Outlaw" comes from producer Conan O'Brien (yes that Conan...you know the one that was fired by this very same network). Perhaps payback for firing him, NBC picked up this series that stars the extremely talented Jimmy Smits as a Supreme Court judge who steps down to practice law again. While the preview is encouraging, you have to wonder about the success of this show that holds the 10:00 p.m. spot on Friday nights.
"The Cape" appears to be a modernization of "The Fugitive" as it tells the story of a "a cop who is framed for murder and then presumed dead. In order to clear his name and get back to his family, he takes on the persona of The Cape, his son's favorite comicbook hero." (Thank you Zap2it.com for the description). Oddly enough, this midseason replacement has an interesting storyline and if told right, could see success in January. Heck, it has the unbelievably beautiful Summer Glau co-starring which is reason enough for every geek (including myself) to watch. Of course, if it resembles M. Night Shyamalan's "Unbreakable" more than "The Fugitive", NBC may want to send this series to the grave for good.
"Harry's Law" from David E. Kelley (seriously David, how about a series not focused on law...I get it, you know law, but expand your experience!) stars Kathy Bates as a patent lawyer who is fired from her job and sets up shop (literally) in a shoe shop. The preview reminds me a bit of "The Practice" which found itself on the air for a number of successes and while Kathy Bates is a solid actress and the adorable Brittany Snow ("American Dreams") co-stars, I would not invest too much time in this mid-season replacement.
"Law & Order: Los Angeles" - Perhaps NBC felt bad about canceling "Law & Order" and wanted to appease Dick Wolf by picking up yet another spin-off. Without a script or cast yet, it seems that it might have been easiest to simply move the original show to L.A. and add some new characters.

In the world of comedies, joining the Thursday night line-up is "Outsourced", a comedy about a company manager who is outsourced to India to run a call center. The preview fails to elicit many laughs, but NBC is apparently high on the show since it secured a spot on the hottest night on television. Then again, while NBC invented Must-See TV via their Thursday night line-up years ago, the network hasn't experienced that kind of success since the 90's.

NBC is also adding "Love Bites", a rom-com that is strangely one hour long; "Bites" tells the story of two single girls amongst a bevy of non-single friends in an anthology-like series. With a bevy of celebrity guest stars each week, I was amazed when I found that the preview reminded me of a cross between "Love Actually" and "Sex in the City" because it is brought to NBC by the producers and writers, respectively, of those successes. Ladies will be on board as will the husbands of those who are married...NBC may have a success on their hands with this one.

"Perfect Couples" follows three couples in yet another romantic comedy for NBC. I couldn't even finish the preview this show was so unfunny. Expect "Couples" to be yet another failure on the NBC belt. If you ask me, the show deserves to fail simply for dressing the hot bodied Olivia Munn in way too conservative of clothing.

"Friends with Benefits", a show being saved for midseason, comes from the mighty talented writers of "(500) Days of Summer" and focuses on platonic friends who sometimes find themselves under the sheets. The preview elicited some good laughs, however it may be too quirky for a network like NBC.

And in an unusual move (compared to the other networks, NBC is adding "School Pride" on Friday nights a blatant rip-off of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" but geared towards rebuilding schools in need. With that said, I teared up at this feel good show and I expect others will too.

In a quick nod to returning shows, NBC very wisely is bringing back one of its most fun (and underrated) shows "Chuck" for 13 episodes, although again this is not the most surprising news based on the fact that NBC has few quality shows returning.

ABC

On the heels of successful comedies "Modern Family", "The Middle" and "Cougar Town", ABC is adding three new comedies including another show starring a Friend, this one being Matthew Perry. Amongst the new comedies, hopefully "Better Together" focuses more on the parents of the leads ("70's Show" Debra Jo Rupp steals the preview scenes) than on the leads themselves. Something tells me that this comedy won't be seeing the success that ABC is hoping for.

"Happy Endings" stars the beautiful Elisha Cuthbert as one half of a couple who break up at the altar but try to remain friends for the sake of their friends. A few laughs and a premise that could play out well...but yet another comedy that seems better suited for Fox.

Chandler Bing (aka Matthew Perry) stars in "Mr. Sunshine" as a 40-year old manager of an ice arena who is re-evaluating his life. Sound very unfunny? You're right. That said, with Perry, Allison Janey, and talented yet unsuccessful when it comes to new shows, Andrea Anders, set to star, one would think that this is ABC will give this some time to grow on people. I think that ABC should count themselves lucky that they have other comedies to fall back on.

Trying to break a very poor streak when it comes to drama, ABC is launching six new dramas. With "Desperate Housewives" (which in a bid to bring new life to the show has drafted Rick Fox reject Vanessa Williams) and "Grey's Anatomy" showing their age and personal favorite "Lost" gone, ABC will need a few of these shows to break out from the pack if it wants to play with the big boys.

Most promising is "No Ordinary Family" starring Michael Chiklis and Julie Benz and about a family who discover they have super powers. Lets hope that this show is more like the first season of "Heroes" than the seasons that followed.

Also promising is this generation's potential "Thirtysomething", "My Generation", a drama about a group of high school students 10 years after graduation. Filmed in a documentary like style, the real question is: Will America will tune into a series that ABC bills as 'nothing you have ever seen before'?

Other dramas (and less enthusiastically received by me) include:

"Detroit 1-8-7" - Regardless of the fact that it has Detroit in its title and Michael Imperioli starring, do we really need another cop show?
"The Whole Truth" - A show that provides equal balance for law cases allowing the viewer to see the prosecution and defense...another court drama?
"Body of Proof" starring Dana Delaney as a medical examiner. Delaney is a great actress, but...yawn.
"Off the Map" - An additional medical drama, but this time taking place in a small town in South America. "Woo hoo" he says sarcastically.

In the world of reality (the only new reality show besides NBC's "School Pride"), ABC is also adding "Secret Millionaire" a show that highlights wealthy people who slum it by living and volunteering with those less well off. NBC wins the war of reality shows when compared to this new series.

With broadcasts only five days a week, baby network CW had little in regards to new shows for next season.

"Nikita", a take on the film "La Femme Nikita", finds Maggie Q in the lead role as a spy who is out for revenge against her former employer. "Nikita" looks to be a sexy thriller with Q as the anti-Sydney Bristow...now if only the show doesn't get mired down in crazy storylines.

The only other new addition is cheerleading show "Hellcats" which reunites Mouseketeers Ashley Tisdale and Aly Michalka taking place at the college ranks. Don't get too attached to this show as network TV has room for only one cheerleading team and that is "Glee's Cheerios". "Hellcats" looks better suited for ABC Family. With that said, there are worse ways to pass an hour than staring at Ashley Tisdale in a cheerleading outfit.

In returning show news, Tom Welling (aka Superman) broke the news early that next year will be the last season of "Smallville"...not completely surprising as the show has already tweaked the legend of Superman in many ways and that the cast seems to be nearing their 40's!

In an attempt to capitalize with 15-year old girls (and me), "Gossip Girl" stays in its 9:00 spot on Monday nights bringing back Chuck Bass a returned man and with new lead-in show "90210" (sans Rob Estes who finished his rein in the season finale).

In the most exciting news, the CW is granting "Life Unexpected" a half season (to start). In the vein of popular shows like "Gilmore Girls", "Life Unexpected" is a strongly written show about an orphan girl who reconnects with the parents who gave her up in high school. Give it a chance...you'll like it.

FOX

Over at Fox, the network is adding three new comedies (of which one is slated for midseason).

The preview for "Raising Hope", a comedy about a guy who is unprepared for sudden parenthood, looks somewhat promising, but most comedies that revolve around a baby tend to grow stale fast...thus why you never see characters with babies on sitcoms. It will be interesting to see if the writers can keep the concept fresh.

Starring one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, Keri Russell, "Running Wilde" pairs Russell with the very funny Will Arnett in the extremely quirky comedy about a rich guy who has everything in life except the girl that got away (Russell). While the preview wasn't extremely funny, I remain optimistic solely based on the cast.

Midseason replacement "Mixed Signals" looks absolutely hilarious as it tells the story of three guys who try to maintain their friendship while being in different stages of a relationship. If the show is nearly half as funny as the preview, I hope that another show gets canceled in order to move this show up from January. While Fox is not known for their breakout comedies, this may be the one that breaks away from the pack next year.

Joining the Sunday animation lineup is new "Bob's Burgers", a comedy about a guy who owns a burger joint and the family that surrounds him.

In the world of dramas, Fox brings on board one of the most promising new series (with one of the best time slots after ratings juggernaut "House") in "Lonestar" starring Farmington Hill's own Jimmy (now James) Wolk, who will easily be one of the brightest new stars next season. With a story of a con man (Wolk) who is balancing a wife and a girlfriend while also trying to go legit, this show will have a ton of support from the good folks of Oakland County...although it most likely won't need it based on its strong preview. In other exciting news from the O.C., Jaime Ray Newman, another Farmington Hills native, is joining Lifetime's "Drop Dead Diva" in June. Way to represent Jimmy and Jaime!

Other dramas include a Steven Spielberg-produced time-travel adventure "Terra Nova,"and "Ride-Along", yet another cop drama whose preview doesn't explain much about the series. While I hold out hope for "Terra Nova", "Ride-Along" won't last the season.

And so there you have it. The most exciting week of the year is now over and we now await premiere week in September. Counting the days...

Wednesday's Rants and Raves

2010-05-19T22:27:00.001-04:00

God help us, another Scientologist.

Delonte West is a mother f-cker.

Tokio Hotel guitarist hard up for attention.

Cheers to "The Tudors" Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Keanu Reeves has a new beard.

Fat girl sues Hooters.

Wal-Mart preventing Miley Cyrus from killing young kids.

Apparently when you compare your boss to Hitler and Napoleon you risk losing your job. Who would have thunk?

Lindsay Lohan is rolling around in new carpet.

Pesticides in produce lead to ADHD in...what was I saying? Woo hoo...who wants to go out and rave?

Kate Gosselin continues her role as a whore...Entertainment Tonight this time serves as her pimp.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (203): Church boner. Awkwardddd

Favorite textfromlastnight: (815): come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

Just End It Already

2010-05-18T22:11:00.001-04:00

Let me preface tonight's blog with honesty...it is poor, lazy, and just plain blah...much like this season. As I watched tonight's performances, I just don't care about any of the contestants and I simply cannot see truly becoming a lasting artist.

Tonight we were treated to sh-tty selections by the contestants themselves and ever-so-slightly-better song selections by the judges for each contestant.

Casey James started off the night with the perfect song for his voice and music style when he chose Eric Hutchinson's "Okay It's Alright With Me", but unfortunately he was only alright and failed to endear himself to the judges. As for the judge's selection, Kara and Randy selected "Daughters" by the mighty talented guitarist John Mayer; yet again, the mighty Casey struck out. Time to pack up and head home Mr. James.

Crystal Bowersox's choice was "Come To My Window", another song perfect for her voice and style but with just so-so results. Perhaps the contestants are buying into the media's view that this is really just a crappy season with crappy talent.. "Maybe I'm Amazed" by legendary artist Paul McCartney was a bit better, but still not I expect (e.g. a memorable performance) this late in the competition.

Lee DeWyze seems headed into the finale as the favorite when the judges all but humped his leg during the show. Lee DeWyze selected Skynard's "Simple Man" and while the judges raved about it, once again I was left shaking my head at how this guy is so well received by the judges. As I watched the rest of the hour, I decided that when you are left with three expired cans of corn, you simply choose the can that is the least expired to eat. Odd analogy? As I stated before, I simply just don't care anymore about this season. Simon Cowell chose the haunting classic "Hallelujah". While the best performance of the night, Jason Castro (Who, you ask? Exactly.) performed it much better.

I have never looked more forward to a finale simply so that the pain can end.

Oh, and Randy? If you're talking about yourself, you don't have to use the word 'personally' as in, "me, personally I didn't like it".

Monday's Rants and Raves

2010-05-17T21:45:00.005-04:00

When I first read about a giant sinkhole, I thought they were talking about Lindsay Lohan's va-jay-jay.

Tiger Woods parts ways with his swing coach...rumor is that Elin is going to hire him to polish up her swing.

Who would win in a fight, you ask? Harry Potter or James Bond? Apparently Harry wins.

Note to Yahoo columnist: it is not a surprise if you tell us what the surprise is.

Russell Crowe hates the Irish.

Republicans make off with a truckload of sex toys.

Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Reportedly not at home.

Niecy Nash kicked off of DWTS, the world collectively gasps, "WHO?!".

Playboy to include 3-D glasses for next month's centerfold...never again will fake breasts look the same. It is only a matter of time until Playboy attempts pop up centerfolds.

Jon and Kate reunite and the environment is near its 'tipping point'...coincidence?

Trump does what he does best with added publicity for the Miss USA competition. I have seen more risque pics in Cosmopolitan. Calm down Fox News viewers.

Looks like whatever sleeping bug hit Ken Griffey Jr. has found its way to Keith Hernandez. Of course, it could just be that baseball is the most boring sport to watch!

Add Will Smith to the list of actors who may be past their prime...Men In Black 3 has received the greenlight.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Favorite textfromlastnight2: (269): Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

More "The Wiz" than "Wizard of Oz"

2010-05-11T22:08:00.001-04:00

With ratings at its worst in eight years, it seems that Idol may truly be on its last legs. Yes, it still brings in boffo ratings for Fox, but the days when Idol ruled the airwaves seem to be gone forever. Heck, even the producers are resorting to a public survey to gain feedback on how they can make the show better (points for actually caring what the general public likes).

USA Today speaks to how any of the contestants can still win the competition, but the real question is whether any of the four remaining contestants can actually sell an album (the answer is yes if you compare the sales to Kris Allen and not Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson).

And so Idol launched movie night with Jaime Foxx acting as mentor to the ~~losers~~ contestants. Rumored to be taking Simon's spot when he leaves at the end of the season, it looks like we will have to wait until summer until Idol crowns a successor to Cowell's cranky chair.

Lee DeWyze kicked off the night with an extremely flat and unenthusiastic "Kiss From a Rose" bringing flop "Batman & Robin" more to mind than blockbuster "The Dark Knight". DeWyze simply doesn't have the bravado to win a competition like this (nor make it in the real world).

Michael Lynche followed when took on the mighty Michael Jackson's "Will You Be There" and unfortunately failed to channel the master. Like Celene Dion, taking on an icon like MJ is always a risk as Lynche found out when the judges provided their feedback.

Following the first two performances, Idol threw a curveball when Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox performed together on a solid version of "Falling Slowly" from the fantastic movie "Once". While they struggled a bit on the higher notes, it was great to see an outstanding song like this one recognized.

When we made it back to the solo performances, Casey James sang a subdued and acoustic take of "Mrs. Robinson" which was a fine performance, however I would have loved to see him open it up after the first verse and rock out to a more powerful version.

"I'm Alright', a great song from movie maven Kenny Loggins, was performed by Crystal Bowersox who was the only contestant of the evening to take a movie classic and make it her own. Not sure that I loved the performance, but she certainly put on the coolest performance with the addition of some great bongos.

Idol finished off the night with a second duet when Michael Lynche and Casey James took on "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?". Once again, the duet outshined the solo performances which begs the question whether Idol should do duets more often (or simply choose better singers!).

Unfortunately for these two, it looks like they will be back up on center stage tomorrow night when it comes down the two who are most at risk. Oddly enough, I happen to like these two chaps more than Lee DeWyze, however at the end of the day, I will put my money on Casey James going home. Lucky for James, he has a solid career ahead of him in country and should he choose, as a guitarist for a band. Should Lynche head home, he could find success in R&B if he leverages a set of solid producers.

Thankfully there are only a few weeks left. Never before have I looked forward to a season ending...

Monday's Rants and Raves

2010-05-10T23:41:00.000-04:00

NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor reportedly sacks a 17-year old.

Everyone's favorite Golden Girl posts huge ratings for her hosting of SNL. Way to rock out BDub!

Hooters = boobs. Adolescent boys love boobs. So Hooters sponsoring an adolescent boys team simply makes sense.

The Christian right already has no sense of humor so one can only imagine what Fox News will do with the news that Comedy Central is potentially adding a show about JC.

Justin Bieber's tweet results in death threats for Kim Kardashian (I know, I know...we could only hope). Isn't Bieber a little young for no-reason-to-be-famous-except-for-her-homemade-porn-video Kardashian? Heck, she can fit him in that behind of hers.

Joaquin Phoenix officially pulls off one of the best publicity stunts ever. Can't wait for the movie of the Phoenix rising.

So much for the TSA not using screening devices for ill-ridden purposes. At least one of their own took control of the situation...though it might have been a mini baton from the looks of the story.

America's favorite Nazi (besides Jesse James) outed for his douchebag behavior.

Chaz Bono is officially a ~~boy girl boy~~...something.

Kelly Clarkson attempts to torch a career that is already on the downward spiral. BTW, if Kelly Clarkson and Kirstie Alley were left in a room with nothing to eat, who would eat the other first?

Lindsay Lohan leaks new song "Can't Stop. Won't Stop"...sounds like a threat to our ears. And I don't think this is the only thing of Lohan that is leaking...

The Seattle Mariners decide to let "The Kid" sleep.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Favorite textfromlastnight2: (931): My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

Thursday's Rants and Raves

2010-05-06T00:39:00.000-04:00

Elisabeth Hasselback wants Erin Andrews to be raped.

Talk about art imitating life...Lindsay Lohan to play a whore.

Only the Republican party would elect a plumber to office...then again, a plumber is smarter than their last President.

RIP Ernie Harwell, a true class act.

How long until Fox News claims that Democrats hate God?

Cameron Diaz caught doing the walk of shame.

Country music just got interesting.

Some people's idea of toys are electronic gadgets, others are cars, apparently for Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey it is jewelry modeled after a favorite children's candy. This is one ring pop my wife would love a lick of.

Jessica Simpson hints that she has a new man - or men - in her life...there is more than enough to go around.

Some people get off to porn. Lions head coach Jim Schwartz? Apparently newly drafted RB Jahvid Best does it for Schwartz. To each his own...

Apparently Dez Bryant's mother may not be a prostitute, but she is a crack dealer. Close enough.

The Simpsons rock out Ke$ha style. Check it out!

Favorite textfromlastnight: (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Idol, I Don't Get a Kick Out of You

2010-05-04T23:34:00.002-04:00

Starting with USA Today's article about Idol taking a dip in the ratings, I am confused how one person interviewed for the article stated that the loss of Paula Abdul is a cause for the poor ratings. Let's be honest, Idol sucks simply because the talent this year is awful. If over 100,000 people truly tried out for the show as Seacrest claimed tonight (in his defense, he didn't say that many tried out this year), then those that screen the contestants prior to getting to see the main judges are truly the ones to blame. When you choose 12 contestants in which the vast majority have the personality of an Arizona politician, fans are simply not going to follow. It is only a matter of time when Idol is no longer highlighted on the front page of papers like the USA Today or web sites like Yahoo.

As for tonight's Idol, Harry Connick Jr. claimed the title as best mentor of the year when he not only mentored the contestants, but also brought humor and personality to the show and also composed the arrangements and played alongside the band. It is refreshing to see someone spend more than 10 minutes with each contestant and especially refreshing to see a mentor that doesn't slam the show that helped promote his new album (yes Usher, I am speaking to you).

Aaron Kelly took on the mighty "Fly Me to the Moon" and brought such little passion to the song that I believe the audience fell asleep during the performance. While awful for Idol, he would have performed well in a cruise ship karaoke competition.

Casey James was as turbulent as a 757 with Faisal Shahzad onboard when he performed "Blue Skies". For a guy who possesses strong skills when it comes to the blues, James simply chose the wrong song. Most likely, this will be James swan song.

Crystal Bowersox left behind her dreads and performed in a sexy black dress, but unfortunately she also left behind the power and talent that has had her in the lead all year when she performed a mediocre version of "Summer Wind".

Michael Lynche performed a personal favorite (and perennial wedding song), "The Way You Look Tonight". Unfortunately, unlike the judges, I found the performance was just alright. While definitely the best of the bunch before him (against this group tonight even Britney Spears would have shined), the song didn't come anywhere near the power of the original.

While refreshing to see Lee DeWyze smile a bit and even seem almost comfortable on stage, DeWyze still lacks a real stage presence. A solid version (against tonight's performers) of "That's Life", DeWyze lacked the swagger that crooners like Sinatra possessed.

It is all but confirmed that Kelly and James will not be going "All the Way".

Thursday's Rants and Raves

2010-04-29T23:16:00.000-04:00

Perhaps he'll spend of his $258 million winnings to fix his teeth.

Ready. Aim. Fire.

Looks like Bret Michaels may not be momma's "Fallen Angel" after all.

It's official: Charlie Sheen is having a midlife crisis. He shaved his head. He was caught visiting a $3,000 hooker. And he has split with his wife (I guess beating her up is not a good start). What a good guy...

Big penis? Forget about being a cop in Indonesia. The wives of police officers place flags at half mast.

Someone wants to pay Ricky Martin $20 million for a book deal? MUY LOCO!

Instead of rohypnol will men resort to dropping a new Pfizer drug in a woman's drink?

Shy pee'ers fear this guy.

Yet another reason why Detroit deserves the reputation is has

Kevorkian's van taken off life support on eBay.

Britney Spear's manager is trying to convince the producers of "Glee" to do an all-Britney Spears episode. Apparently the music will start off wholesome, then turn into a chaotic and utter mess followed by a trampy recovery.

A third of women say pets listen better than husbands. What the survey fails to mention is that 100% of men would listen to their wives if they could spend all day licking themselves.

God has a sick sense of humor...but at least he hates Spencer Pratt too.

Former President George W. Bush to release his memoir. Rumors has it that it will be written at a 1st grade level.

Never take money away from an old Jewish man.

Tabloid mags are in shock that the pals, friends and sources of the world failed to scoop Sandra Bullock's adoption of a baby boy.

If Matt Millen were making the calls, he would most likely call the Croatian team a bunch of Polacks after this play.

Mexico is alerting their residents about travel in the U.S.?! Have they not traveled to Ciudad Juarez?!

One time when Jenny Craig and horse can be used in the same sentence without too much insult.

Detroit police at their finest.

God bless the good people of NYC...if there are any.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (419): So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

Favorite testfromlastnight: (817): My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

Idol Not a Complete Twain Wreck

2010-04-28T00:41:00.001-04:00

With an introduction that made me feel as if I were watching the Village People (including a construction worker), Idol picked the music of Shania Twain for tonight's performances. A whole night of Shania Twain songs? Really? Unsure how Idol made a U-turn from pandering to the younger viewers with tools like Justin Beiber and Joe Jonas to a night of a singer that most people could care less about now. I can understand allowing the contestants to choose any country song, but relegating them to music that most of the viewers are completely not familiar with? I don't get it.

Lee DeWyze took on mentor Shania Twain's "You're Still the One" and didn't completely butcher it. However, with a large catalog of Shania Twain songs, I am unsure why DeWyze chose a cheesy song like this (not that most aren't cheesy). With all of that said, the judges seemed to like it.

Michael Lynche took on "It Only Hurts When I am Breathing" and brought an outstanding R&B vibe to a song that most people (including myself) are unfamiliar with. Smooth.

"Don't" showed off a much more restrained Casey James which showed that James may have success not only in the world of bluesy rock, but also country rock.

Crystal Bowersox showed that she can take on any genre when she strummed and sung "No One Needs to Know". The judges didn't love it, but once again, Bowersox held her own.

High schooler Aaron Kelly finally found his genre (one which I stated was the right genre for him from the beginning) when he belted out "You've Got a Way". By far his best performance, but that isn't saying much for a kid who doesn't bring anything special to the competition. Now if this kid could just find a personality.

Finishing the night, Siobhan Magnus' "Any Man of Mine" continued to show off her powerful voice, however one has to wonder how much longer she can do that without completely annoying America. Yes, we know you can sing...just tone it down a bit. For me, she has hit that point where I no longer want to hear her sing.

Tough to say who is going to go home, however if I had to take a guess, I would think that Aaron Kelly is most at risk with perhaps Michael Lynche wearing out his welcome (hopefully not).

As for the two numbers for each contestants? AI, stop pretending that so many people are actually voting that you need a second phone number. There is a reason that you haven't boasted about the number of votes each week.

Only five or so more weeks until this nightmare is over...

Wednesday Rants and Raves

2010-04-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

10,000 women vote Christina Hendicks as the best looking woman in the most recent edition of Esquire, more proof that women really don't know what they are talking about.

Looks like it is not Sandra Bullock's year...now she has been asked to return her Razzie. Perhaps they will give it to Michelle "Bombshell" McGee since she already took Bullock's husband.

Tick tock...the mistresses' 15 minutes of fame are almost up and it looks like a competition to see who can last the longest with two acting as host of a new reality show about celebrity cheating. Was Rielle Hunter not available?

Say cheese! The Lower Merion School District admits that it took 56,000 photos of students from their school provided laptops.

And here I thought Mother Nature was the cause for earthquakes around the world. Apparently I was wrong...looks like they are the result of women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously .

Apparently James Bond can be killed...or at least subdued.

David Hasselhoff's career is really hurting these days...after being fired from "America's Got Talent", Hasselhoff has announced that he is returning to daytime and "The Young and the Restless".

You know that soaps are in trouble when not only David Hasselhoff is a draw but when ABC looks to replace one with a Tori Spelling talk show! I can just imagine the "Free Donna Martin" t-shirts in the crowd now. What the hell happened to quality TV?!

Kate Gosselin axed from "Dancing With the Stars". Half of America wishes she was just axed.

Michael Axtmann just became the luckiest man in the world. Did he win the lottery? Not exactly, but close...Tara Reid broke off her engagement to him.

A study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project found that 1/3 of teens with a cell phone text more than 100 times a day. I remember when I actually used a cell phone to call someone. Sh-t, I actually remember when I carried out conversations in person!

Lindsay Lohan at an alcohol-sponsored event?! GET OUT! Next thing you are going to tell me is that Corey Haim overdosed on pills...oh wait...oops.

Note to musicians: if you die, Cirque du Soleil is going to turn your music into a trippy show.

Simon Cowell calls his appearance on Larry King this week 'uncomfortable'. Think that is uncomfortable? Imagine how uncomfortable it was for his soon-to-be ex-wife when she had to have sex with that corp?! Simon, you got off easy!

An Idol State of Mind

2010-04-20T23:57:00.001-04:00

When I heard Ryan Seacrest mention that we were going to hear great music tonight, I got excited that the Idol producers kicked off the remaining contestants and replaced them with real talent. Alas no luck and we were treated to the top seven.

Casey James started the night off with a rasp-filled "Don't Stop" which was all there musically, but failed to excite as James stood behind the microphone once again. What happened to bringing the crowd into the performance? What about showmanship?

Lee DeWyze followed with a quality version of "The Boxer" that provided a little spin of his own on this Simon & Garfunkel classic and even made it sound current.

Teflon Tim wished he had "Better Days" as he went back to the pitchy days from the past and underwhelmed the judges. That said, this modern day David Cassidy seems to be safe as the under 16 female crowd will most likely continue putting all of their votes toward T2.

The kid that I most want to bully, Aaron Kelly, destroyed R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly". While Kelly found himself at the end, my ears bled during the first half. A little fact: if Aaron Kelly were a girl, R Kelly would be trying to sleep with her and pee on her right now.

Siobhan Magnus took on "If You Believe" and bored the viewers immensely. Magnus looked the best she has all season, however I am simply confused on what kind of artist Magnus is and wants to be. This chickadee can sing, but the song was simply too maudlin for me.

Michael Lynche continued his Seal-like sound with a karaoke sounding "Hero", a far cry from the original but hopefully enough to push him through one more week.

Taking the last spot for the night once again was favorite Crystal Bowersox with a beautiful sounding "People Get Ready". One of my favorite songs (recently redone extremely well by the talented Seal), Bowersox didn't disappoint with a performance that brought her to tears. Without her guitar, Bowersox wowed the judges and fans alike. As I continue to watch Bowersox, I am starting to see a career similar to the extremely talented Joss Stone...someone who will never be the best selling artist out there, but someone who will amaze people with her amazing voice.

Look for Aaron Kelly to lose his wings.

Friday Rants and Raves

2010-04-16T00:02:00.000-04:00

Hey Melissa, I hear Rosie is available...

Parents: lock up your teenage daughters, Larry King is single again.

In other breakup news, perhaps purported Nazi fan Jesse James would be willing to date Hitler's bastard son Mel Gibson.

Looks like Ryan Seacrest has been drinking Paula Abdul's "special" juice.

A re-hash of the Crips vs. the Bloods?

Alexa Ray Joel follows in her mom, Christie Brinkley's footsteps, except Brinkley didn't look like a truck hit her and probably could sing better too.

Looks like Elizabeth Taylor has a new victim to participate in wheelchair sex with. Does having sex with her constitute necrophilia?

Do you think Phil Mickelson was thanking wife Amy for being one of the few women left in America not to sleep with Tiger after his Masters victory?

Barry Bonds saying he is proud of Mark McGwire is a little like Ted Bundy saying he is proud of Charles Manson.

A Winona comeback? "Cheaters" is a much better title than the real life drama she last starred in: "Shoplifter".

Wow, a story about a rapper and guns...how original!

William Hung's fatter and awfully coifed brother (not really) wows the audience of a Taiwanese television show (the kid is actually pretty good...even if he apparently has no balls).

Comic book fans everywhere blow a load when they learn Joss Whedon will direct "The Avengers".

Check out musicians before they were famous...sh-t, Stefani Germanotta (aka Lady Gaga) actually looks like a real girl and Chris Brown isn't putting the smackdown on a woman.

Have to love the Danes who protest when they're only allowed to drink alcohol during lunch. Oh to be a Dane...

Perhaps Jesse James can attend sex rehab with Tiger and get a discount?

Justin Beiber, whoever the f-ck you are, it is not that the cover picture of you in 'People' magazine is bad, it is just that you're pretty f-cking ugly.

"Ugly Betty" the movie?! No one wanted to watch "Ugly Betty" the television show!

Favorite textfromlastnight: (828): Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

Idol Not "All Shook Up" by Lambert's Mentoring

2010-04-13T23:45:00.001-04:00

Apparently without established musicians to mentor the Idols this year, Idol resorted to asking last year's runner-up Adam Lambert to mentor this year's ~~losers~~ contestants. While I appreciate his honesty, Idol is obviously very desperate to bring young viewers into Idol with more teeny bopper-like mentors (read USA Today's take on this issue).

Taking on the original showman Elvis Presley, the Idol contestants didn't completely embarrass themselves...or Elvis, although there were clearly two contestants who should get ready to exit stage left.

Crystal Bowersox took the unusual role of leadoff hitter and once again performed solidly with a quality bluesy and almost country version of "Saved". Bowersox continues on track to take the competition when it ~~thankfully~~, ~~finally~~ concludes next month.

Andrew Garcia failed to bring any real life to the legend known as Elvis with a lame version of "Hound Dog". With no excitement, no flair, and poor vocals, Garcia has a solid chance of finally leaving the competition.

"That's pretty!" exclaimed Adam Lambert during Tim Urban's rehearsal for "Can't Help Falling in Love With You"...was he speaking of his singing or of his boyishly handsome looks? Amazingly, Urban's take on the Presley classic ballad wasn't half bad and perhaps Urban's best performance keeping Teflon Tim in the competition for yet another week. Wouldn't it be a hoot if this guy made it into the top three or even top two?! I think Simon's head would possibly explode!

Idol's least confident contestant, Lee DeWyze took on "A Little Less Conversation" and made it relevant to today's sound. With his Hootie-like rhaspy voice, DeWyze is starting to come into his own and making a play for the top three as the competition comes down to the final weeks.

The contestant that people just want to stick into their pocket and take home, Aaron Kelly, got his "Blue Suede Shoes" ready to head home with a poor and lame karaoke version of another Elvis classic. America won't remember the name of this dweeb in just a few short weeks.

Oddball Siobhan Magnus performed "Suspicious Minds" which is what the crowd had as they looked at Magnus's awful hair style and outfit. While Magnus will survive another week, the Idol stylist should definitely be kicked off for his/her choices. As for the song, Magnus can definitely sing, but the song choice was a bit odd and the performance just mediocre.

Michael Lynche's smooth voice provided a quality version of "In the Ghetto" making it sound nothing like the original. Lynche's voice continues to remind me of Seal and of all of the contestants, Lynche may be the person who sells the most albums even though he won't win the competition.

Katie Stevens tried to provide some sass on "Baby What Do You Want Me To Do?" but came across more like a girl who was trying to play a role much older than her current age. Stevens has a decent voice, but most of her performances simply come across too breathy for me. The judges seem to really like her, but Stevens simply doesn't do it for me.

Finishing off the night was bluesman Casey James who performed solidly but failed to get much love from the judges.

Expect Garcia and Kelly to check into "Heartbreak Hotel" tomorrow night.

Final thought: anyone else wonder how (and/or why) Ryan Seacrest knows how talented Adam Lambert's tongue is? Way to feed into the continued rumors...

Satuday Rants and Raves

2010-04-03T00:50:00.002-04:00

I've never wanted to be water more in my life.

Anyone else think that Tiger owes Jesse James a gift basket for taking the focus off of him? James, not to be outdone, not only cheated on his wife but also got his love of the Nazis exposed. Classy guy...

Anna Paquin just got a lot hotter...

John Forsythe got to meet the Angels today. RIP Charlie.

Looks like Gerard Butler is getting more than just a bit of a-- in this one...

Harold and Kumar are back for a Christmas movie...now we have to hope that NPH will be back too.

Who knew Republicans even knew about topless dancing...

Hey look...two singers America could care less about seeing in concert, separate or together.

Speaking of singers no one cares about, Ricky Martin is livin' la vida gay. Was there really any question?!

Where was Dr. Doug Ross when we needed him? RIP David Mills.

Anyone who would stalk washed up actor Ben Affleck must really be insane.

Looks like Erin Andrews may be doing the horizontal mambo with her DWTS partner.

Does anyone man want to be near Kate Gosselin?

You mean Jay Sean wouldn't be popular if his stage name was Kamaljit Singh Jhoot? Check out 100 pop star's real names.

With people spending their hard earned dollars on movies and making 2009 the highest box office in history, it was only a matter of time until the theatres decided to rape the American public.

Why do they got to be hatin' on Obama's "package"?

Favorite textfromlastnight:
(404: She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
(678): So... What happend then?
(404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

Additional favorite textfromlastnight: (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

"Oh F-ck!" Say Idol Producers

2010-03-30T23:18:00.000-04:00

As the Idol producers and judges look at the top 10, you can almost hear them say, "Oh f-ck! This is our top 10?! How the f-ck are we going to sell a tour of these personality-lacking, poor singers to a public that doesn't seem to give a sh-t about any of them?!". It will be interesting to see if Idol brings back former Idol winners (I am guessing that Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks have more than enough time on their hands) to tour with the top 10 this summer.

As for tonight, oddball Siobhan Magnus kicked it off with a very flat "Through the Fire" that had me fast forwarding through the majority of the song and wondering if Crystal Bowersox is the only performer who will be above average throughout the competition.

Casey James followed with "Hold On I'm Coming" that highlighted his blues roots. A solid job, but I still want to see James move out from behind the microphone and interact a little more with the crowd as James gets swallowed up by that large stage quite often.

Idol's favorite teddy bear since Ruben Studdard, Michael Lynche, channeled India Arie's "Ready for Love" with a stripped down version that had Lynche seated with his guitar behind the Idol judges. Lynche doesn't got after the exciting songs, but he is a solid performer almost every week.

The beautiful (and recently discovered Jewish) Didi Benami seems to shed more tears than a crowd at a Nicholas Sparks movie. Taking on "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted", Benami was boring, flat, and simply forgettable. With such a unique voice, I would have loved to see Benami take on a more recent song that was better suited for her voice. I hope that she passes through to next week, however I am extremely afraid for her as she was definitely one of the poorer performers tonight.

One of the worst contestants in Idol history, Tim Urban, made an extremely odd pick with Anita Baker's "Sweet Love". Amazingly, not the worst performance of the night, I felt that I was witnessing one of those awful performances that you're forced to watch when you're on a cruise ship. And those looks into the camera? It looked more like he was constipated than singing to someone he was in love with.

First to worst Andrew Garcia reminded the judges why they brought him this far when he finally found his mojo with a very interesting, acoustic take on Chris Brown's "Forever". As I watched Andrew, I was curious if Siobhan has been stealing his glasses since they look a bit big on Andrew and simply gigantic on quirky Magnus.

Katie Stevens who 9 times out of 10 has missed the majority of her notes took on the very ballsy "Chain of Fools" and once again was very throaty but held her own against a very tough song.

Overrated Lee DeWyze performed the lesser known song "Treat Her Like a Lady" and finally had me seeing what the judges have been saying (wrongly) much of the season. DeWyze chose an R&B song and made it contemporary and even though it was only him and his guitar behind a microphone he owned the stage with the night's best performance.

Crystal Bowersox left the guitar behind and sat behind the piano to sing one of my favorite songs, "Midnight Train to Georgia". Forget Gladys Knight and Pips, Bowersox proved tonight just how talented she is...whether it be a guitar, a piano, she has a talent unlike many past Idol winners. I still am unsure whether she can sell more than 100,000 or so records, however she is a true talent. As for the background singers?! Spectacular all night.

Finishing off the evening, dorky Aaron Kelly chose the very difficult "Ain't No Sunshine". In addition to being a bit shaky in the beginning, Kelly made it sound more like a version for a teen Disney album. As for his stylist tonight, could they make him look any more like a country bumpkin who doesn't know how to dress or do his hair?!

The best part of the evening? The hotties (the blonde specifically) sitting behind the very talented Usher and Kara Dioguardi who is looking finer every week...wa wa we wa!

The winner of the evening? Apparently Usher who had his new album Raymond vs Raymond promoted numerous times throughout the evening. Usher did provide the best mentoring in the last few years with honest and helpful feedback.

The losers? While much better than past weeks (which is like saying that the least burnt cookie is the best of the bunch), the American public had to endure another long evening of singing by people we will most likely never hear from again after the season concludes.

Thursday's Rants and Raves

2010-03-25T22:46:00.002-04:00

Was K.C. and the Sunshine Band singing about having sex with little boys when they sang, "do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight"? Let's hope not...

When a drunk falls in Hollywood, does anyone care?

Kwame, if you pay the woman you are having sex with, that makes her a whore. Oh wait, she is a whore even absent these potentially bogus payments...my bad.

The Hills cancelled? There is a God! Now if we could just rid the world of Heidi and Pratt for good.

This is like the bizarro world Prison Break.

Listen Yormack, NJ Nets CEO...if someone is actually willing to pay to watch your joke of a team play basketball, may I suggest not yelling at him for wearing a bag over his head? I wouldn't want anyone to know I was at one of your games either...

Did John Locke make this island disappear? A real life "Lost".

Andray Blatche, I believe it is called insubordination. Only in the NBA can you say that you don't "want to play". Of course, this is the same league in which players threatened each other with guns in the locker room.

Adam Lambert looks a bit too comfortable in a kilt.

Seriously, what is wrong with those that believe so strongly in their religion?! Muslims threaten to kill cartoonists and Buddhists throw rocks because of a music video. Hey Buddhists, turn off the f'in TV!

Pick a winner Mischa...perhaps a role that will make people care about you.

Priests molesting little boys is bad enough, but in 3-D?! That is just plain wrong.

America Ferrera, from Ugly...to well, still ugly.

Justin Beiber? I just don't get it.

Perez Hilton challenges Ryan Seacrest with his new music countdown show...can you imagine this chick fight?!

Anoop Desai, former "American Idol" drops new single "My Name"...America responds, "Nope...still don't know."

Favorite textfromlastnight: (360: I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

Miley? A Mentor? Really?!

2010-03-23T22:43:00.001-04:00

So tonight we were treated to the mentoring of a girl who has had a long career in music...a whole three or so years! Granted she is prime jail bait, but of all of the musicians available, is Miley Cyrus really the person who should be mentoring the Idol contestants? Lets call this what it is...the movie company releasing Miley's newest movie, "Last Song" obviously paid off the Idol producers to get her on the show to promote the movie. With little quality advice, it looks like the movie company at least got their $$ worth.

Lee DeWyze, performing "The Letter" underwhelmed the crowd again with the band overshadowing a very karaoke-esque performance. Having listened to this amateur sing for a number of weeks now, I have yet to find any talent outside of an annoying raspy voice that hits the right notes 50% (being generous) of the time.

Performing Phil Collins' "Against All Odds", Paige Miles did not beat the odds as she failed to hit one correct note during the entire performance. Her surviving the week is definitely "Against the Odds".

Original Idol reject Tim Urban did nothing for Queen original, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Outside of his appeal to 12-year old females, Urban offers nothing to the music world. I liken tonight's performance to one of the Brady Bunch boys performing solo. After this train wreck, Paige Miles might be safe after all.

Idol's biggest dork, Aaron Kelly took on an Aerosmith's lead song from "Armageddon", "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" and did a mediocre job as he put me to sleep. Kelly is best suited for country and I would love to have heard more twang introduced in the song.

Crystal Bowersox continued her knack for finding the right song by taking on a Janis Joplin classic, "Me and Bobby McGee" and once again, knocked it out of the park. I still struggle with seeing Bowersox as a relevant artist in today's music scene; Bowersox, had she been born thirty years earlier, would have been a top performer along the likes of Joplin.

Michael Lynche went the safe route with "When a Man Loves a Woman" and failed to gain love from the judges. For such a big guy, Lynche has such a gentle voice and soul and while he still doesn't possess what it takes to win the competition, Lynche is a joy to watch in a season of extremely poor talent.

With another odd song choice, Andrew Garcia performed a very strange "I Heard It Through the Grapevine". With years upon years of Billboard #1 hits, I simply don't understand the song selection tonight...what happened to staying relevant and contemporary? Sh-t, after this song, it looks like Paige Miles and Tim Urban might be safe after all.

Katie Stevens didn't totally destroy Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry", but she also didn't do it much justice. After starting out well, Stevens became throaty and pitchy during the remaining 75% of the song. Unfortunately, contestants are judged on the whole song and this just wasn't great. Of course, compared to her competitors, she was friggin' Mariah Carey.

While not the most exciting of performances, Casey James' raspy and big band take on Huey Lewis and the News' "Power of Love" wasn't half bad. James has definitely established himself as the guy to beat...unfortunately there are still a few women in his way. If anything, James will find success as a guitarist after Idol concludes.

Didi Benami continued a trend for the night of taking on very old (and odd) songs with Linda Ronstadt's "You're No Good". While I won't go as far as saying that wasn't "no good", I wouldn't classify her performance as "so good" either. Benami did for the first time show a little personality and looked more comfortable than in weeks past. As the weeks progress, I unfortunately am unsure as to the range that Benami possesses.

Oddball Siobhan Magnus took on the mighty Stevie Wonder and his classic, "Superstition" and while it was okay, it paled in comparison to past performances. Magnus can sing, there is no doubt about that, I simply am tired of her screaming at this point. Whereas Bowersox doesn't fit completely in today's music scene, I have an even harder time seeing Magnus fit.

Overall, the season gets more painful to watch and like most of America, I think we wish we could just fast forward to the end of the season.

Tuesday's Rants and Raves

2010-03-18T23:11:00.000-04:00

Talk about "The Blind Side". Jesse James surprises Oscar Winner Sandra Bullock.

The only way Palin is getting $10,000 from me for a photograph with her is if I can set up a faux background of Palin's doorstep with Alaska behind us set up.

Don't have a cow man...literally says Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm. Not sure about you, but I might just have to have a burger for lunch and a steak for dinner out of spite.

The media is estimating that Tiger's return may be the highest ratings ever for golf...do people think that his 14 mistresses are going to show up, strip naked and then cheer Tiger on?! People, it's golf...Tiger is going to hit a golf ball, the ball is going to go far, and eventually into the hole. Plus, there is a good chance that Tiger will win. Look, I just saved you three hours.

Joey, have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison? RIP Peter Graves.

Kevin Arnold, you dog...I can't believe you got Winnie Cooper pregnant!

Is it wrong of me to take joy in the fact that Latrell Sprewell had his yacht seized and his house put into foreclosure? I wonder how he is feeding his family now...

When people heard a Wolverine died, I am sure many were wondering (hoping?) it might be Rich Rod.

Did anyone really believe that Douchebag Pratt was really leaving "The Hills" to work in the cyber security division at American Defense Enterprise? Like this guy has any real skills?!

So let me understand this...Rielle Hunter slept with a married politician, got knocked up by him, had his child, somewhere in the process made a sex video, and then made the decision to break her silence by wearing only a button down and no pants? And now she's surprised that she is being painted as a whore? Sweetheart, put the kid down and look in the mirror.

Grey's Anatomy just got a million times better.

If losing all his money wasn't bad enough, now a deceased Ed McMahon is going to have to watch a talentless druggie (rumored) take over a show that is one of the last shows on earth that should be re-done.

Wow, Michael Jackson looks awful.

Without an ability to hire real writers, NBC looks to take over a washed-up "24".

Did NBC learn nothing from Rocco DiSpirito's "The Restaurant"? Can NBC not find someone to write an original (and scripted) idea down on paper?

Anything that knocks the fat cow otherwise known as Mariah Carey out of the records book is good in my world.

Should this really be the name of a kid's movie? I am sure I've seen a movie with a similar title in the XXX row before.

Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you...well in 30 months.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (602): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He c-ckblocked himself.

Favorite textfromlastnight 2: (310): based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

Favorite textfromlastnight 3: (780): Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.

"Gimme Shelter" From This Schlock

2010-03-17T00:49:00.000-04:00

While never a fan of the Rolling Stones, I didn't realize how much I disliked them until I was forced to listen to the schlockiest sh-t this side of the Atlantic.

Tonight, we went back to the too-long, overly produced (translation: more back stories) two-hour round as the top 12 performed. As I fast forwarded through 3/4 of the show, I realized that even though the DVR was invented prior to Idol, this hokey show was just the reason that they invented it in the first place. I mean seriously, does anyone actually sit through this show live and enjoy it?!

The night began with Michael Lynche's mediocre performance of "Miss You". The vocals were good, but it was Lynche's personality that keeps him as a contender for the top 5 (and maybe the top 3).

My personal favorite (more and more only for her looks as the weeks go on), Didi Benami, performed a lackluster "Play With Fire". While the judges seemed to really like her performance, I am growing tired of her sub par song selection. Of most interest was her offhanded comment about "Siobhan rubbing off on her" since Magnus was her roommate this week...that thought will keep my mind in the gutter for a bit.

Casey James followed with a very country/blues rendition of "It's All Over Now". James is definitely most comfortable (and talented) singing this type of music, especially when jamming on his guitar. Prior to Simon mentioning it, I too observed the fact that James has to start to own the stage and use it to his advantage. James, like others tonight, simply stood behind the microphone and did his thing.

Lacey Brown, most likely the contestant to go this week, was pitchy and shaky once again while singing "Ruby Tuesday". Brown got better as the song went on, but it was far from the original.

Andrew Garcia continued his downward spiral with a very boring and, at times, pitchy performance of "Gimme Shelter". Garcia wins the award for "Peaked Too Early" when you look at him versus his fellow contenders and even against past contestants. Unless Garcia steps it up quickly, we will be saying adios to this muchacho.

Idol's most insipid contestant, Katie Stevens, actually hit more correct notes tonight during "Wild Horses" than she did all season, but ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Bor-ing.

Tim Urban was verbally raped by the judges when he performed a surprisingly fresh feeling and reggae-esque version of "Under my Thumb". As someone who likes very few Stones songs, Urban's rendition didn't bother me nearly as much as it did the judges. Granted, it didn't wow me and once again, Urban followed the new trend of being boring while standing behind a microphone stand, but this performance didn't seem that much different than some of Kris Allen's performances last year. Sadly, it looks like Urban will find himself singing on cruise ships and in college bars soon enough.

With Lilly Scott gone, Siobhan Magnus took on the roll of biggest contender with favorite Crystal Bowersox. Performing "Paint it Black", I actually disagreed with the judges tonight as I didn't get the song choice and I thought the outfit and hair style were bloody awful. In fact, I thought the stagehands were the best feature of this performance for the lighting work during the song. With all of that said, Magnus sure has pipes!

Lee DeWyze continued his trend of underwhelming the crowd yet still receiving positive praise from the judges. Okay, we get it, you need at least one male to really champion...but is this the horse you really want to latch yourself to? Like his competitors before, DeWyze stood behind a microphone and sang his song ("Beast of Burden"), however with little to no personality or confidence, DeWyze simply bores the audience to sleep. Unless DeWyze can find it within himself to believe in his talent (which I am still not sure really exists), he will be heading home much sooner rather than later.

Paige Miles finally brought some type of life to the show with "Honky Tonk Woman"...definitely not the best performance of the night, but she did a solid job amongst a bunch of amateur singers.

Showing the biggest change since the contestants could use stylists, Aaron Kelly took a step away from complete dweeb with his new look. The judges really enjoyed his "Angie" performance and while it was a fine job, I kept waiting for Kelly to open the song up. I am not sure if it is Kelly's youth or not, but he really needs to find a stage presence if he wants a shot at winning the season.

Closing the night was Simon's front runner, Crystal Bowersox, strumming out an excellent version of "You Can't Always Get What You Want". For the first time, the judges looked her less as a deity and more as a contestant with flaws. Me? I looked at her for the first time as someone whose album I would highly consider purchasing.

If I had to make a guess, we'll be saying goodbye to Lacey Brown in less than 24 hours.

One interesting observation tonight: did anyone else notice that Kara mentioned on numerous occasions that she had to "agree with the guys" when only Randy and Ellen had provided feedback? While I can understand saying that one agrees with these guys, using the word 'the' infers that Ellen is a dude. Granted Ellen doesn't like dudes and seems to be the man in her marriage, I found this to be an odd and almost insulting phrase to use.

Thursday's Rants and Raves

2010-03-11T23:34:00.000-05:00

Just like a baby being born when a person dies in this world, is it the same in the world of rap? When one rapper gets out of prison, does another rapper go into prison?

Douche bags of the week? The Itawamba County school board for canceling prom instead of letting an 18-year old senior attend the prom with her girlfriend? Apparently you can marry your brother or sister, but dating someone of the opposite sex is outlawed.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for what she considers to be an attack on her...is that attack based on the fact that a character in the commercial is named Lindsay or that the babies are simply better actors than her?

What will Corey Feldman do now?!

Lock up your daughters...Tiger is making a comeback.

Speaking of Tiger, at least one thing good has come out of the Tiger debacle for other douches as result of his infidelity. Man, I bet Kwame is wishing he had loaded this onto his phone!

Best headline of the day: Gerard Butler Trims Jennifer Aniston's Bush...for a second I thought John Mayer was making waves yet again.

So now I have to rely on the douche bag with the most money to save my life?!

Are we supposed to be shocked?

People actually pay for porn?! Do these folks not own computers?!

You would think Big Ben was a receiver with hands like this...

Is that a banana in your pants?

With one foot already in the grave, Blockbuster opens it up for a quicker death.

Favorite textfromlastnight (tie): (404): It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

Favorite textfromlastnight (tie): (401): What the f-ck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky f-cking guy.

An Idol Shocker

2010-03-11T23:15:00.001-05:00

Okay enough already with the hokey and poorly lip-synched performances. Granted that tonight was one of the best lip-synched performances in years, this is a singing competition...either let them show how good they really are or simply drop the Brady Bunch medleys. Do you think America will really care? Of course, Idol would then struggle with how to fill the five minutes of an already overproduced and too-long results show.

Tonight's former Idol(s) returning to the stage included a "dueling" piano version of "Tell Her About It" by an awful mohawk'd Matt Giraud and Scott MacIntyre. For someone who used to work in a dueling piano bar, I am now unsure if I would even pay to see Giraud perform in that environment. As for MacIntyre, I can only say that he is quite talented on the piano for someone legally blind. Perhaps the dueling piano concept could have worked with a more exciting song, but for me, I simply felt like I was watching a performance from Vegas's New York New York casino.

Tonight Idol tried to make it dramatic by going through the contestants one by one (simply another ploy to make the show run long). We said goodbye to ~~Brooke White~~ Katelyn Epperly (a girl who didn't have the spark to make it any further than she already did), Todrick Hall (someone who simply wasn't consistent enough week over week), Alex Lambert (sorry, you're name is not Adam), and in the most shocking exit of Idol and perhaps the worst decision by the Idol voters since knocking out Jennifer Hudson, Lilly Scott. Mark my words that Scott will be the first singer from Idol who didn't make the top 12 but who will still find a record deal...very possibly with the Idol producers.

The crown is Bowersox's to lose with the loss of Scott. And tonight, Idol officially jumped the shark. Simon, I can't wait for your show.

It Really Is a Girl's Year

2010-03-11T22:55:00.000-05:00

Lee Dewyze got it started by taking on Owl City's "Fireflies". Another pitchy performance leads me to think that we might as well just save some time and eliminate him now as it doesn't seem that he is going to mature much during the season.

Alex Lambert followed with "Trouble", a song that was recently covered by Ray LaMontagne. Lambert performed the song well, but yet again, this kid doesn't seem to possess "it".

Tim Urban, this year's major reject destroyed positive memories of Jason Castro singing "Hallelujah" in the past as well as Justin Timberlake and Matt Morris's haunting version during the Haiti telethon. With no connection to the song, I truly hope that Tim will soon be out the door.

Andrew Garcia slightly redeemed himself after weeks of subpar performances by covering Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle". Making a bubblegum pop song palatable, however Garcia continues to hit a number of flat notes during his performances which shows that he has more flaws than other top contestants like Crystal Bowersox and Lilly Scott.

Casey James finally found his way to country with Keith Urban's "You'll Think of Me". James didn't blow me away for a genre in which I thought he'd kill, but his acoustic performance should be enough to get him into the top 12.

Dork Aaron Kelly, another contestant built for country, took on Lonestar's "I'm Already There" and like James did a mediocre job and probably one that will allow him to find his way into the top 12. Like many of this year's contestants, this little dweeb simply doesn't have the stage presence or the voice for that matter to win.

Todrick Hall performed one of my favorite songs in Queen's "Somebody to Love" and unfortunately it had no where near the fire of Freddie Mercury and the original. Hall tried to provide an R&B/gospel flavor to it, but opposite from the judges thought, it came across boring.

The show finished with Michael Lynche mastering Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" in a performance reminiscent of when Ruben Studdard came into his own. I can actually say that he gave me the chills. Job. Well. Done.

Kara once again looked outstanding. If Kara is a cougar, I want to go to the zoo to eat!

Is it DST? I Saved an Hour!

2010-03-11T16:10:00.001-05:00

Finally, after having to endure two long weeks of two hour episodes twice a week, we finally were treated to a shorter, more palatable hour for the boys and girls. Gone were the lengthy back stories and other waste replaced by simply the mediocre singers performing their mediocre songs.

For the girls, Katie Stevens, performing Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway", started the night out like most other nights this year...with a terrible performance. Actually, Stevens' performance could be one of the worst performances in Idol history. Stevens wasn't only flat but I think she left half of the notes back at rehearsal. I hope that Stevens has been studying because it looks like she will be returning to high school very soon. As for Kara's comment that she has a great radio voice, I hope she was talking about terrestrial radio as my satellite radio would be turned off faster than Abdul could make a white line disappear.

Siobhan Magnus belted out a Broadway-like "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals. While not the most exciting performance, Magnus has quite the pipes...now if she can just bring out her personality and start to look more contemporary and more like an Idol.

Lacey Brown performing Brandi Carlisle's "The Story" was boring and subpar for yet another week and it is only a matter of time until the door kicks her in the a--. This chick reminds me of Nikki McKibbin...when Nikki was still skinny (prior to her Celebrity Fit Club participation). In regards to the judges calling it her best performance yet, simply state what you really mean: your past performances suck and this one finally did not.

Katelyn Epperly's rendition of Carole King's "I Feel the Earth Move" felt very karaoke and reminiscent of Brooke White from last season. There is something about her and her playing a keyboard that keeps taking me back to the 80's...and not the good part of the 80's.

Happy to see Didi Benami's unique voice took on Fleetwood Mac successfully. Benami's beauty will never be questioned, however I still have to wonder if she has a chance to win with less-than-exciting song choices each week.

Paige Miles followed with an irritating performances of Charlie Chaplin's "Smile"; for a song that was just recently song with such immense compassion by Jermaine Jackson in honor of MJ, Miles did it no justice.

Crystal Bowersox was outstanding doing a bluesy version of Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason". As someone who truly knows her strengths and weaknesses, Bowersox has set herself up officially to be the one to beat.

The evening ended with Lilly Scott singing Patsy Cline's "I Fall to Pieces". Scott, once again, sang the song incredibly well, however I personally hated the actual song.

Looking back at the night, Bowersox and Scott are still the best two in the competition but repeating myself from an earlier blog post, neither seem to have what it takes to make it bigger than a club artist. I love Scott's unique voice and she reminds me of Regina Spektor; however, like Spektor, Scott doesn't have that mainstream potential. Bowersox suffers from a similar problem...I see Bowersox performing strongly in a duet with John Mayer as both have good guitar skills and a love of blues, but again, I don't think Bowersox will ever play anything larger than The Fillmore with success.

Off topic, Kara Dioguardi looked HOT on Tuesday night...wa wa we wa!

Friday's Rants and Raves

2010-03-05T00:28:00.000-05:00

Danny Gokey sings "My Best Days are Ahead of Me" on AI's elimination episode. Keep singing crappy songs like this and you'll be regretting those words for the rest of your days...

In other Idol news, how long until conspirators try to claim that voters are racists? Three African Americans, two Hispanics, and an Asian-American booted thus far...it is only a matter of time until someone jumps on this bandwagon. Of course it couldn't be because they all simply sucked!

Anyone else wonder if Kevorkian is available?

Who wants to be the person to tell a postal person that they are going to work less and possibly lose their job?!

Just what I want in my President...a woman who does stand up, who whines if you say one thing politically incorrect, who can see Russia from her doorstep, and who takes free swag from celebrity gift suites. How long until she signs up for "Celebrity Apprentice" or "Dancing with the Stars"?! And this is the best candidate for President from the Republican party?! As poor a job as Obama is said to be doing, a second term seems like a slam dunk if this is the Republican savior.

Miley Cyrus officially has an STD.

Speaking of STDs, look who is joining "Dancing with the Stars".

In other DWTS news: talk about extending one's 15 minutes of fame. As for the unlucky whore who "won", how long until we see these two on "The Marriage Ref"? Oh wait, they won't even get to the marriage part...I forgot that "The Bachelor" has a worse track record than Toyota.

And another one hoping for a just a few more minutes of fame. Apparently NBC couldn't find a role for him on "Law & Order" or a guest spot on Leno.

In one last DWTS news: Peek-a-boo, I see you. :)

Thanks a lot Mother Nature, now where am I supposed to find time to write my blog?!

Glad I turned down this event on FB.

Don't blame Tony Soprano for it this time...

Glee + NPH? It is going to be legen...wait for it...dary!

Piss off!

I've never wanted to have a camera installed more for this mile high club!

I didn't realize that Cheney was an NRA gun instructor. Sh-t, I didn't even realize he had a heart.

B-tch, I said I wanted pancakes!

Favorite textfromlastnight: (650): I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

I hate NBC

2010-03-03T23:47:00.001-05:00

With the return of the least funny man in Hollywood, Jay Leno, and the butchering of Must See TV years ago, I am dedicating this blog entry to my hatred for NBC and how they have done nothing good outside of the "Today" show, "Chuck", and the "Office" these last few years.

NBC thought it would be a great idea to start a forum where users can share photos, ideas, and links with Jay Leno...little did they realize that Conan fans are more passionate (and actually know how to use a computer). Result? The site has been temporarily blocked due to the huge number of users.

Great idea NBC! Hire an "American Idol" reject who couldn't make it in music and put her in a comedy when she has never shown that she has a funny bone in her (unless she has had sex with Artie Lange or another comedian recently).

It won't be long until America divorces itself from NBC's newest reality show, "The Marriage Ref". I haven't seen a reality show this badly acted and scripted since "The Hills" made its debut.

How long do you think NBC will try to ride the Olympic bandwagon. Vonn on "Law and Order"? I wish disqualification was an option.

Only NBC could find a way to destroy the Olympic closing ceremony by shamefully promoting their awful new program.

And speaking of the Olympics (still), could NBC have aired more any more promos for "The Marriage Ref" and "Parenthood"? It brings me such joy that while "The Marriage Ref" performed well in its post-Olympics spot (well really mid-Olympics spot since they disrupted our viewing of the closing ceremony), it still brought in fewer viewers than CBS's "Undercover Boss". And the debut of "Parenthood"? That too fell behind viewers of a CBS show...this time "The Good Wife".

With Bowersox Healthy, Idol Girls Take the Stage

2010-03-03T22:16:00.000-05:00

Crystal Bowersox bounced back from an undisclosed ailment (rumored to be diabetes related) by singing an interestingly gospel flavored "Long as I Can See the Light" previously made famous by CCR. While a solid performance, it was an odd choice in a competition where song choice is everything and the majority of viewers are not familiar with the song.
Haeley Vaughn showed off her serious side by performing fellow teen Miley Cyrus's "The Climb". Another pitchy performance with less stage presence than the microphone stand that resided on the stage and I think my ears bled at some point.

Lacey Brown's rendition of Sixpense None the Richer's "Kiss Me" had no spark and left me feeling like I just sobered up and realized that I not only kissed the fat girl, but I slept with her as well (I have no idea what that even means).

Katie Stevens made another poor song choice as she struggled through Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On". At only 17, Stevens continues to sing songs that don't bring out the playful side of this young contestant.

My favorite contestant this year, Didi Benami, continued the theme of the year (and series for that matter) by choosing the wrong song when she tried her own take on "Lean on Me". Benami has a unique voice, but her poor song choice yet again could very well find her home by 10:00 tomorrow evening. Here is hoping that America will give her one more choice.

Michelle Delamor took on Creed's "Arms Wide Open" and while she did okay with it, I was hoping she would really open it up after the first bridge.

Lilly Scott made a very unusual choice when she sang Sam Cooke's classic "A Change is Gonna Come". While a big fan of her, unfortunately I found the song choice a bit too odd and not the right song for her. Still, Scott is by far one of the top performers this season, if not the top contestant this year.

Katelyn Epperly completely surprised me with her solid rendition of Coldplay's "The Scientist". Stripped down and performed only with her at the piano, Epperly reminded me of Alicia Keys. The judges didn't love her, but I feel that Epperly had the best performance of the night.

Paige Miles took a page from original Idol Kelly Clarkson with "Walk Away" which had me forgetting her and the performance just a few minutes after it was over. Miles has a strong voice but she is simply forgettable and seems much older than her age (24). If Miles wants to have a chance in this competition, she needs to find a way to stand out from the crowd.

Siobhan Magnus brought out the Motown inside her with Aretha Franklin's "Think". Magnus has a powerful voice and performed the song well, but yet again, I don't understand the selection of a song that is 40 or so years old. Staying relevant is so important and for someone that hasn't shown a huge amount of personality, Magnus is going to need to step up her game if she wants a chance at winning this thing.

Scott and Bowersox are far and away the best contestants this season and while I am confident that one of the two girls will win this year, yet again we are left with an Idol that will not find mainstream success like past winners Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Chris Daughtry (not a winner, I know, but when you sell more than 6 million copies of your album, you are a winner). No one says you need to sell millions of records to be a "success", but I wonder if either of these girls have more than one album in them.

One last note, the Idol judges deserve an A+ for their most honest feedback in years. Kara consistently provides constructive criticism for contestants to use in future weeks, Simon's cranky as always but continues to provide the most straightforward feedback, Randy actually is adding something of value for the first time ever (well 50% of the time, but that is more than ever before), and while Ellen still seems a bit out of sorts, she does her best to bring the "fan" perspective.

Another mediocre night, but if you want to look at the positive side of this very poor year, four more sh-tty contestants will go home tomorrow night.

Idol Boys Lead Another Snoozefest

2010-03-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

With a last minute change that required the crappy guys to perform rather than the crappy girls, the boys lived up to their poor reputation by sucking for yet another night. Not only that, they destroyed a tactic that was once unique and impressive with certain past performers by re-working classic songs...except this year, the contestants' tweaked classics killed any happy memories of the original.

Michael Lynche started out the night with a surprisingly solid strong rendition of "This is a Man's World", a song well suited for his voice and reminiscent of Seal's recent version. While not exciting by any means, he also didn't embarrass himself like some of those that followed him.

John Park put the crowd to sleep with his near copy of John Maye's "Gravity". Perhaps Park should have dropped the N-word and described Jessica Simpson as sexual napalm in the bedroom to juice up his performance .

Casey James followed with a solid guitar performance on Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want to Be"...of course this is a singing competition so the fact that his vocals were less than mediocre don't help. Yet another karaoke performance in an evening that yielded little flash.

Alex Lambert showed strong vocals but yet again lacked any stage presence...he looked as comfortable as Jennifer Aniston watching Angela Jolie performing fellatio on Brad Pitt. Speaking of fellatio, I thought Ryan Seacrest was critiquing Lambert when Randy Jackson talked about how he loved lambert's "package".

Todrick Hall channeled more Ted Turner than Tina Turner when he performed an odd and not-haunting-enough rendition of "What's Love Got to Do With It". While Hall earns points for taking risks for two weeks in a row, he has yet to find the right song or arrangement for his

Jermaine Sellers butchered the timeless Marvin gaye classic "What's Going On". Sellers says God is on his side and will bring him through, however me thinks that God is not such a fan of Sellers either. What will Sellers say when God dumps him back on his ass?

One time guy front runner Andrew Garcia still has the best vocals amongst the guys, but yet another boring performance of James Morrison's "You Give Me Something" failed to differentiate himself from the other contestants yet again.

Aaron Kelly, this year's Chicken Little (aka Kevin Covais) aged himself by singing TheTemptations' "My Girl". Kelly is most likely the second best vocalist on the show, but this little dweeb has the personality and stage presence of a mule. Obviously suited for country music, I simply do not understand the selection of an old-time song for such a young kid. And the falsetto? Please never do that again. As for the judge's feedback, 200% better than last week is still shite.

Last minute replacement Tim Urban continues to show why he was originally left off the top 12 when he performed a very boring near copy of Matt Nathnson's "Come On and Get High". While we saw what kind of artist Urban would be if he were ever to make it, he is more suited for singing at a high school reunion for a homeschooled child than singing for a larger crowd. Props to Ellen for her best and most honest feedback yet stating that he should go into acting with little singing since that isn't his strong suit.

Finishing the night was Lee Dewyze who successfully his 50% of the notes on Hinder's "Lips of an Angel." The bad news? That means the other 50% of notes weren't hit. Dewyze certainly has the most stage presence and is the most relevant amongst all of the guys, however I still can't help but see this guy playing anything bigger than a college bar (similar to my feelings about Kris Allen). As for the angel named in the title of his song, I think it killed itself to escape Dewyze's singing and the overall Idol show.

As for what we heard from the judges, it went something like this: blah, blah, blah...wrong song...blah, blah, blah...wrong song. Can Idol make the change already and select the song for contestants?! Not only are the fans asking for it, but apparently the contestants are now asking for it, as well as was shown when one all but begged for assistance next week. Enough is enough. Idol has a choice: make the change or get walloped by Cowell's new show next year where the songs are selected for each contestant. At this point in the season, Cowell's new show can't get here fast enough.

Friday's Rants and Raves

2010-02-26T14:54:00.000-05:00

My Boner has been found and he is no more. RIP.

Apparently having 17 kids out of wedlock is okay in the NBA, however chewing on a straw is a big no-no. What a joke of a league.

Plushenko: you lost. Get over it. Now go cut your mullet.

Dying your hair in the spirit of your country: commendable. Placing 12th: pathetic.

Patti, there are better ways to get attention than ripping on the talent of the Idol judges. 99.9% of America wouldn't be able to place you in a lineup...sh-t, Brian Dunkelman would get more recognition than your washed up a--.

I could think of a million different ways to spend $1,000,000 than for a ring and more importantly for a girl that has as little talent as Hillary Duff.

Even Twitterers like Conan more than loser Leno.

Wow, for a second I had to wonder whether Mischa Barton is now a pregnant prostitute in real life or just playing one on TV. Think about it: "Law and Order" does like to showcase stories ripped from the headlines.

Watch them wiggle. Pamela Anderson rumored to participate in the next season of "Dancing with the Stars".

Wow, Carrot Top really looks awful these days.

Is Chris Brown really the person you want getting your back when your life is in turmoil? That is a little like having Charles Manson support you when you're on trial for murder.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (845): our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

Only Four Booted?

2010-02-25T23:06:00.000-05:00

With the first eliminations of the year, we were unfortunately treated to only four contestants leaving rather than the 20 I would have preferred to see eliminated this evening.

Other unfortunate parts of this evening? How about the entire hour? We were forced to endure yet another cheesy group performance that was as poorly lip synched as a Britney Spears concert. Even worse? They picked the worst song ever. What the f-ck is "American Boy"?! For a show that rips the contestants for song choice, what f-cknut picked this diddy?

As for those eliminated this evening, we saw a few of the more engaging performers leave the stage tonight as Janell Wheeler, Ashley Rodriguez, Joe Munoz, and Tyler Grady made their time on Idol extremely brief. Munoz lacked any personality and talent and Ashley was just okay to look at, however Janell Wheeler was one of the top five female singers and at least Grady had a personality which is more than most of the nerd pack of 2010.

Idol rounded out the worst week in Idol history with former contestants Alison Iraheta dressed up as a spider and performing her newest (non-hit) single while Kris Allen visited Haiti where locals asked, "how the f-ck did this dweeb win American Idol?!". And is it really fair to tease Haitians with potential donations from Allen's performance this evening? I guess every penny counts, but since no one bought his debut album, does Idol expect to raise any real cash for Allen's mediocre version of a Beatles classic? At least Allen can laugh his way to the bank with the $650,000 he has made in the last year. Start saving those $$ because your 15 minutes are just about up.

It truly is going to be the longest season ever...

The Boys Can't Be Worse, Right? Wrong.

2010-02-24T23:27:00.000-05:00

Tonight's show began with Randy stating that "the girls blew it out last night"?! Seriously?! Remove the words "it out" and you have a stronger description of the girls on Tuesday night. After enduring a painful night of singing (and style) with the girls, it seemed the boys didn't want to insult the girls and decidingly chose to echo their crappy performances on Wednesday night.

Todrick Hall, who has a lot of potential, started the night off and taking a page from the girls, he continued a streak of sh-tty song selection and crappy performances. Kelly Clarkson? Really? Besides picking the song of a fat girl, Hall had an awful arrangement. Hall definitely didn't follow in the footsteps of folks like David Cook, Kris Allen, and Chris Daughtrey who successfully re-arranged popular songs.

Little dweeb Aaron Kelly tried to channel Rascal Flatts ballad....zzzz. Thankfully my few minutes of sleep allowed me to miss this off-key poor substitute for the real group. I did wake up to Simon Cowell complementing him so perhaps I simply dreamt that part.

Jermaine Sellers followed with another wretched ballad, but this time it was near impossible to fall asleep due to Sellers' continued wailing. I thought someone was killing my cat.

Chris Golightly replacement Tim Urban showed that he truly didn't deserve a spot in the top 12 with the night's worst performance. How can these kids not know what song is built for them? Note to Tim and others: if you can't hit a high note, don't pick a song that forces you to sing said note numerous times.

Seeing Joe Munoz for the first time essentially all competition, Munoz showed why he hadn't been showcased earlier in the competition when he performed a Jason Mraz song that sounded more like it was sung by Henry Iglesias than Enrique Iglesias.

Tyler Grady was the first "performer" amongst the guys when he brought his 70's vibe and "American Woman" arrangement to AI. While not the best vocals by any means, he at least made it a bit entertaining.

Lee Dewyze sang like the girl you dated in middle school...flat. Outside of his guitar skills, another forgettable performance.

As for John Park, he did not do the Asian-American community any favors as AI's first (I believe) Asian-American contestant...felt like listening to a wedding singer reject.

America's favorite teddy bear (since big Ruben) Michael Lynche continued a night that could be compared to what it must be like for the citizens of Afghanistan...bomb after bomb after bomb after his awful reimagination of Maroon 5. In Lynche's favor, he is the most personable of this year's contestants.

Adam Lambert is pleading with Alex Lambert to change his last name after the most embarrassing performance by this mullet-wearing, lack of stage presence, awful performer. As for Ellen's banana analogy, does anyone really believe that she has ever eaten a "banana"?!

Kara Dioguardi had to wipe off her seat after Casey James' performance. Of course that wet seat had more to do with his looks than has lackluster performance that seemed to be an octave or two higher than it should have been. One a night when the performances were simply dreadful, the judges had only positive accolades for James.

Saving the best singer for last, Andrew Garcia made himself the clear frontrunner for the boys with an acoustic version of a Fall Out Boy single. While indulgent like Simon stated during his feedback, it was by far the best performance on a night of God awful performances...sort of like saying that the tall, gawky girl in the crowd is the best looking because she surrounds herself with short, fat girls.

Idol is gearing up to be the show's worst season on record. Simon, looks like you are getting out a year late.

Any chance that they can eliminate 20 positions tomorrow and speed this train along? I know it would save a lot of pain over the next 16 or so weeks...

Here Come the Girls...

2010-02-24T23:24:00.000-05:00

And so here we go...another season of "American Idol" where the top 24 are the "best" the judges have ever seen. Really? Better than Carrie Underwood? Kelly Clarkson? Sh-t, at times, I am unsure whether this top 24 could out singWilliam Hung.

Paige Miles got things kicked off with an awfully boring midtempo . While Miles has chops (at times too much), I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a high school talent show while she performed.

Ashley Rodriguez did a piss poor job imitating Leona Lewis's "Happy" with her inability to reach the low notes and second rate version of a not-so-great song already. I was not "happy" having to listen to it.

With high hopes for Janell Wheeler, you couldn't help but be disappointed with this (bad) karaoke version of Ann Wilson and Heart's "What About Love". Perhaps she should put an APB out for the notes she couldn't find during the song.

Lilly Scott finally brought the evening to night with the Beatles "Fixing a Hole". Scott's unique voice and personality is a nice fit in a year that is filled with many forgettable faces and personalities.

80's Madonna reject Katelyn Epperly sounded good on her version of the Beatles of "Oh! Darling", however I couldn't get past her "Wedding Singer" like outfit.

My ears bled and John Lennon turned over in his grave when Haeley Vaughn covered yet another Beatles song. In contrast to the others who sung Beatles songs, I didn't want Haeley to hold my hands, I wanted to take them and slap the voice out of Vaughn and this terrible performance. There is also something about her that honestly makes me hate her when I look at her...odd. In her favor, Vote for the Worst wants to keep her because of her wretched performance.

Lacey Brown disappointed immensely when Brown sounded more like the drunk girl who thinks her sh-t don't stink at a local karaoke performance than someone who has the confidence and skill to win a competition like AI. I haven't seen something that pitchy since watching the Tigers pitching rotation.

Michelle Delamor channeled Alicia Keys in her performance of "Fallen", however I found it a very forgettable and grating performance.

My favorite contestant this year, Didi Benami, did a somewhat solid job with Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am", however I didn't love the slower and somewhat indulgent performance. That said, she is one of the better female performers this year.

Anna Paquin lookalike Siobhan Magnus made me want to throw my shoe at the television during her version of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game"...a grating song even sung by Isaak. If it weren't for the video starring the beautiful Helena Christensen, I would take a shoe to Isaak, as well.

Female frontrunner Crystal Bowersox disappointed with a lackluster version of Alanis Morissette's of "Hand in My Pocket". For the first time during a Bowersox performance, I looked forward to when the song would finish. Still, in a year with weak competition, Bowersox still shines above the other contestants.

Katie Stevens made me feel like I was watching the girl who is dared by her friends at prom to get up on stage and sing and then destroys by singing a song that is 30 years too old for her. With solid chops for a girl her age, hopefully Stevens will quickly learn how to choose the right songs so that she remains for a few more weeks.

It looks as if it is going to be a long season and if this is what we are going to see all season from the girls, Simon may be wrong on his predicition of a girl winning it all.

Sunday's Rants and Raves

2010-02-21T22:39:00.001-05:00

I can't find my Boner!

*On a serious note, if anyone has seen Boner or has information about his whereabouts, last seen in Vancouver on February 14th, call 911.

Lower Merion School District responds to allegations that they were spying on students via embedded web cams in student computers: at least our teachers weren't sleeping with students!

Down syndrome girl tells Palin to get a f-ckin' sense of humor!

Apparently winning a medal doesn't get you a little a-head in life.

Heard a promo for "The View" today that stated "Evan Bayh talks to the View and you know the questions will be tough"...is that because it is damn near impossible for a normal human being to endure four women blabbing at him all at once (especially when it is these four yentas)?

Speaking of enduring five women at once (or at least count fourteen), Tiger made an apology on Friday.

Prior to Valentine's Day, Walgreen's promoted use of their "personal gift advisers". Ladies, if your man bought you a Valentine's gift from Walgreen's, let alone had to leverage one of their "personal gift advisers", it may just be time to get a new man.

Women across London experienced the most disappointing Valentine's Day surprise in years.

"Valentine's Day", the movie" received one of the best reviews in years after Roger Ebert wrote, "I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again." Ouch!

Favorite textfromlastnight: (401): so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator

So Long Hollywood

2010-02-21T17:01:00.000-05:00

And so we finished up Hollywood week with perhaps the most boring five hours of television in AI history.

Out was the ever-so-exciting "drama" from last year when two contestants were placed in front of the judges and only one walked away a victor. America (well okay, me) thrives on seeing people suffer and that was sorely missed this year. There was nothing more exciting last year than watching two people walk in as friends and then walk out as bitter people (well one of them at least).

Also out was the painfully excruciating elevator ride where we got to see contestants break down because they simply were not good enough to move into the top 24. A walk up the aisle simply was not the same.

Instead, we were left with poorly acted/scripted speeches by the judges that failed to trick most contestants and instead created silly drama that most likely made viewers at home laugh.

As for the final 24, outside of Michael Lynche not getting kicked off because of his blabber mouth father, Chris Golightly's surprise disqualification, and the absence of Benjamin Honeycutt, the leaked list was accurate which makes me wonder why I even wasted time watching the hokey and music-less Hollywood weeks. Out of five hours, we were lucky to get 45 minutes worth of actual music.

Speaking of Golightly, it sounds like AI may soon be meeting his lawyers for their seemingly unfair disqualification of this cheesy Justin Guarini lookalike.

And to add insult to injury, AI lost out to the Olympics for the first time since 2004. Are Idol's best days really that far behind them?

I cannot imagine what will happen when Simon Cowell leaves. I sure as hell hope that they do not replace him with someone like Perez Hilton as Cowell jokes(?) is a possibility. Whoever replaces Cowell, he/she will not be anywhere near as entertaining nor as truthful.

With Cowell thinking a woman will win this year, I leave you with my three favorites: Didi Benami, Lilly Scott, and Crystal Bowersox. While I hope one of the three will win (Benami being my favorite at the moment), I still fear that the same country that voted for George Bush to be our President (twice!) will find these women not of the caliber of (pathetic) past winners like Kris Allen and Ruben Studdard.

Final AI thoughts:
Who is dirtier? Crystal Bowersox or Jason Castro?

Can life get much worse for Angela Martin? Father killed her first year trying out, in jail the second time, and her mother went missing her third time...and she gets kicked off for the 3rd year in a row! I am afraid of what baggage she brings with her in year four!

The top three from season 8 covered Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" in NY recently, check it out. While Iraheta was solid, I couldn't help but feel as if I were watching a high school talent show.

Thusday's Rants and Raves

2010-02-18T23:58:00.000-05:00

George the Animal Steele at my Bar Mitzvah was cool, but meeting a Jewish boxer (they exist?), getting seats for all of your friends for the match, and then a signed Yankees ball for you and your friends just to change the date of your Bar Mitzvah? Priceless.

Who is running the Tea Party, the KKK?!

Lisa Rinna ripping Heidi Montag = Pot calling the kettle black. How many plastic Barbie dolls do you think could be made out of these two ugly whores?!

So twice-divorced Madonna is NBC's choice as part of the celebrity panel on NBC's new show, "Marriage Ref"? Apparently Elizabeth Taylor, Tiger Woods, and Jennifer Aniston were not available?

Speaking of Tiger, looks like he will be renting out the Staples Center to apologize to his wife and all of his mistresses on Friday.

My eyes, they burn!

"I feel an obligation to better my work, and keep saying no, and keep expecting to get as good as you give," Sandra Bullock stated at the Annual Academy Awards luncheon.

Sandra, it was one movie and you are far from Meryl Streep. Sh-t, you were nominated for a Razzie as Worst Actress the same year you were nominated for an Oscar. When you have one strong performance and 30 piss-poor ones, you simply got lucky.

Bayh Bayh to another Democrat in Congress...sorry to see someone leave who really does want to change this country.

Apparently Kevin Eubanks hates Jay Leno as much as half of America. Good man.

DePaul AD blows 12-year old potential recruit...and not in a way a 12-year old wants.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (831): period poops. best. ever.
(925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

Thursday's Rants and Raves

2010-02-11T23:37:00.000-05:00

Oh that Kirstie Alley and her love for donuts.

In a recent Rolling Stone article, John Mayer stated, ”Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”. So at one point sucking him off was the way girls blew him off? Oh to be him for a day.

Then again, after his recent Playboy article in which he dropped the N-word and described Jessica Simpson as "sexual napalm", I take that back.

Sorry Taylor, not only do you suck singing live, but your acting sucks as well. At least you are sort of hot.

Catholics, calm down, there are actually a lot of similarities...just like Jesus, Lindsay Lohan is willing to give her body for the good of man.

Ladies, the Skin Cancer Foundation encourages couples to perform skin cancer checks on one another this Valentine's Day...being one that wants to make sure that you are healthy, I volunteer my services to any single ladies.

My teachers obviously didn't care enough about me. As for the boy, what the f-ck is wrong with him?! Wrong team?!

Either this guy has the longest schlong known to the man, really wants to make sure his skin isn't dry, or most likely, he simply likes to pleasure himself...A LOT!

Uh, yeah, like the government is going to buy this excuse to bypass scanners at airports. Right...

Is there really anything to say?

Son, forget law or medicine, I want you to become a bus driver when you grow up.

Why didn't anyone tell me about this fundraiser?!

Do you think I can get the police to put up a Sex Addict Lives Here sign at my house?

He called the sh-t poop.

Looks like the sanitation workers in South Beach will have more trash to clean up after the Super Bowl.

Who the f-ck is Jill Zarin and why the f-ck do I care about her thoughts on "American Idol" and the departure of Paula Abdul?

NCAA: bigger is not always better.

Gag Me on Group Night

2010-02-10T23:58:00.001-05:00

And so we moved onto group night, the most confusing experiment to find those good enough to move onto the next round and ultimately into the top 24. One, this is a solo competition with only one winner so why do I care how they work with others? Two, why the f-ck is choreography important?! Unless Simon Cowell is going refrain from commenting on the moves of a contestant when we get into top 24, drop this silly act.

And does anyone feel like this group sh-t is a broken record? Every year the same drama: group members going to bed early, some not pulling their weight, arguments over song choice, yada, yada, yada. Enough is enough.

Jareb Liewer wins the Diva award for his incessant whining and embarrassing sass. Just behind him was Mary Powers. I couldn't help but hope that someone would take a shotgun to Mary Powers, her annoying voice and her overbearing personality. Powers was definitely the girl in high school who played the school drama queen and who people wanted to punch in the face. Rhianna wannabe Theri also bothered the living hell out of me. And Maddie Penrose's glasses? Are we stuck in the f-ckin' 80's?!

Sh-t, don't even get me started on Jonah Hill doppelganger (for all of you lame FB fans) Mark Labriola who sobbed like someone shot his dog. Chubby should be used to be hearing no from the number of times he has heard it from girls he tries to pick up...suck it up p-ssy!

And what the f-ck was Randy Jackson wearing? After taking the shotgun to Mary Powers, I felt like taking it to the birds/ducks flying around on his sweater jacket.

As for the solid performers, Ashley Rodriguez and Michelle Delamor seem like they will bring a strong R&B vibe to the top 24 with Andrew Garcia perhaps taking the favorite role on the men's side.

Perhaps the best news of the night was Benjamin Honeycutt not making it to the next round as he was on the leaked list of those making it into the top 24. There is hope for Didi Benami after all.

At this point in the competition, it looks like it is going to be a girl's year...perhaps with Andrew Garcia as a spoiler. Of course, Idol lives for not showcasing much of the talent so that they can surprise us later (a la Kris Allen last year).

Hooray for Hollywood?

2010-02-10T00:25:00.000-05:00

After too many weeks of time-wasting and purposely emotional audition rounds, we're onto Hollywood and the introduction of Ellen DeGeneres to the judging table. While a bit irritating at points, she is a solid replacement for ~~Courtney Love~~ Paula Abdul (confused my drug addicts).

Since I am exhausted from trying to understand another episode of "Lost" and from writing some clever things in my "Final Thoughts" column tonight (READ IT!), you get a very straight forward recap tonight.

Katie Stevens peforrmed solidly once again to retain her spot in the top 24 and possibly the title of "America's Sweetheart" amongst this year's performers.

Does anyone else think that Andrew Garcia looks just a bit too much like Hokey Gokey?! At least Garcia is 100 times more talented than Gokey and Paula Abdul , even making Abdul's "Straight Up" palatable.

Looks like Vanessa Wolfe is "Leaving on an Aeroplane"...back home this time. Hear the song "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and that comment is a tad bit humorous. :)

Janell Wheeler's pleasantly raspy folky/country performance pushed her onto the next round and most likely into the top 24. Will she be this year's country girl?

While the judges liked Haeley Vaughn, I didn't prefer her song choice nor her voice much. I know she is supposed to make the top 24, however I hope this does not occur (see below for the better choice).

Mary Powers showcased a great voice, but stop yelling for Christ sake!

Lilly Scott remains one of my favorites of the competition, however I have a feeling that she is going to turn out to be closer to last year's beauty Meghan Joy than past winner Kelly Clarkson. Scott seems perfect for soundtracks similar to "(500) Days of Summer"...a great soundtrack if you're unfamiliar with it.

How could you not like big teddy bear, Michael Lynche? Besides a great voice that one would not expect from a linebacker like Lynche, the guy just had a baby winning the emotional vote! Of course, his father ruined it all when he announced that he made it to the top 24...let's hope that Idol producers give him another shot.

As for Tim Urban? Not a fan of him...don't expect to see him in the top 24.

Same goes for Casey James who is destined for the top 24 (according to leaked reports).

Didi Benami who is not on the leaked list for the top 24 remains one of my favorites and for the first time, I really hope the leaked list is incorrect. Besides being a cutie, she has a very unique voice.

Once Crystal Bowersox loses a few pounds, bleaches her teeth, and gets cleaned up by the stylists, she could be a force to reckon with in season 9.

Final Thoughts

2010-02-09T23:28:00.001-05:00

The most effective government in my mind is one that doesn't even make it to work. Keep snowing!

No.

A woman who doesn't talk back most of the time and doesn't care (well, really know) where you go? My future 2nd wife?

Yeah, Megan Fox's thumb, that's was what I was looking at during her Super Bowl commercial.

Besides hating Conan O'Brien, apparently NBC hates African-Americans, as well. Classy NBC, classy.

F-ck that, no cheating? WTF?!

They can't find a cure for cancer, but at least we can now dunk and squeeze out our ketchup now. Seriously, WTF?!

" True artist and writer and communicator. It's not about that technically perfect performance." How about a mediocre performance, at least? I'm sorry, I thought that being a vocal artist meant you actually were able to sing. And blaming it on a technical issue?! Taylor Swift hitting a solid note is like the Lions winning the Super Bowl...it ain't going to happen.

Clarkson bitch slaps the moron who defended Swift and blasted AI talent in the process.

Objectifying Lindsey Vonn? I didn't think about mistakenly bumping into Vonn with my crotch numerous times at all when seeing the new SI cover.

CBS is okay promoting Tim Tebow's pro-life foundation, however a humorous dating site for gay people is too taboo...who is running CBS these days, Rupert Murdoch?!

Favorite textfromlastnight:

(703)

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202):

New charity walk idea!

Now what am I supposed to look at online each night?! The Netherlands must be so proud.

Pauley from "Jersey Shore" on NBC's Today last week: "It's, um, it's a different show. I mean, you put a bunch of teenage people, we're only in our twenties..." Hey Einstein, since when are folks in their twenties considered teenagers? And this is what the youth of America are watching?!

Figure skater Johnny Weir skated to Lady GaGa's "Poker Face" recently...want a scary thought? Imagine these two having a child together. Now that you've scratched your eyes out, which one acts as the girl and which one acts as the guy during this disturbing thought?!

Final Thoughts

2010-02-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

I guess next time you say "those t-ts are the bomb" you may be right!

Douchebag: just admit that you want a piece of "MacGruber"...no one wants to see "MacGyver" on the big screen (of course most people don't want to see "MacGruber" on the big screen either!).

What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans? A whine cellar. And that is just what we saw after MSU fans made a stink about the new logo. Whiners.

Excuse me, I think I have to go pee...and f-ck. Best or most disgusting promo idea ever? I guess the best if you are first...not sure how great if you are number 25.

Worst job in America.

Someone meaner than Simon Cowell?!

Kirstie Alley is feuding with Joy Behar as a result of Behar's coverage of Tiger Woods on HLN; after tweeting "Cheating is between a husband and wife. Not...Joy Bewhore", Alley ate Behar.

Us Weekly had a casting director tell who should star in a movie on the Tiger Woods scandal including Mariah Carey as Jaimee Grubbs. I am not sure who should be more insulted at that casting, Mariah or Jaimee? Then again, they're both whores so does it matter?!

Christina Aguilera meet your future.
http://www.usmagazine.com/stylebeauty/whoworeitbest/photos/christina-vs-donatella-2010281/results

Texts from last night:

(260):

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260):

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Final Thoughts

2010-02-01T00:34:00.000-05:00

Someone better make sure that Britney is still under the watchful eye of her dad as it appears that she forgot half her outfit...this is a rare time where I want to see a woman put on clothes!

Just like what Taylor Swift sports under her dress, flatness seems to be a poor trend with her singing, as well. And she won Best Country Female Vocal Performance...YIKES!

"She Bangs"...well not Ricky Martin.

Congrats to Jay-Z, Rhianna, and Kanye for winning best rap collaboration tonight; for those watching the acceptance speech, anyone else wonder how Kanye got so tiny?!

Speaking of Kanye, didn't you sort of hope that he would pop up during Taylor Swift's final award?!

Lady Gaga deserves an award for successfully hiding her d-ck in this outfit!

Unlike my friends, I have done a good job not sleeping with a bunch of pigs...not going to start now!

Speaking of pigs, why G-d? Why?

ABC is canceling "Ugly Betty". America responds, "It was still on?!"

Text from last night: he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in f-cking between canada and the us..

Genius sequel or a case of ruining a classic movie and even better villian?

19 kids? Really? Stick a cork in it b-tch. I don't wish any child harm, however don't you think you're challenging the odds and risking a problem when you pop out a 19th kid? Enough already...and don't even get me started on their WT names.

The ever-so-gorgeous Carrie Underwood singing the National Anthem and The Who during half time? Mixing in the Colts and the Saints, can the Super Bowl get any better?

In NCAA football field news, totally rad or totally bad? On the positive side, I now know that Eastern Washington has a football team.

General Larry Platt, "American Idol" phenom, you have some 'splaining to do!

Gary Coleman was arrested for a domestic disturbance...rumor is that he hit his wife with the chair he has to stand on to make out with her.

Texts from last night: Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

Final Thoughts

2010-01-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

Why is it that the Vice President and Speaker of the House get the worst seat in the house for State of the Union address? I understand that they are next in command and they want to remind America that they exist, but they must be miserable staring at the back of Obama's head all night.

Speaking of the State of the Union address, is there a bigger kiss-ass event in America? I guess if I were getting lambasted in the media as much as Obama, I would want to receive applause and a standing ovation every now and then too (or in this case every two minutes).

Best part of the State of the Union address? The fact that they didn't interrupt the season premiere of "Lost" next week. I knew I voted for this guy for a reason. FEBRUARY 2ND!

So now Elizabeth Edwards possibly wants a divorce?! The affair she most likely knew about during her husband's run for presidency and the child that she has known about since last summer wasn't enough to lead to a separation in the past? Sounds like someone doesn't like her husband getting all of the attention.

Animal rights are furious over skater Johnny Weir wearing fur?! How about being furious that a man wore an outfit (excuse me, costume) as embarrassing as he did. Perhaps next time he won't pick something from his sister's closet.

The iPad Disappoints America

2010-01-27T23:26:00.000-05:00

Only Apple could cause such a stir that Twitter experienced delays of 8-9 minutes during the announcment of the new iPad.

The country's worst kept secret (outside of the name) during the last six months turned out to be an extreme disappointment after the iPad appears to be nothing more than a larger iPhone. While extremely cool looking and weighing in at approximately 1.5 lbs, what makes this the next must have gadget when the iPhone and even the iTouch appears to do much of what the iPad will do.

On top of the limited features of the product, Apple partnered with a number of publishers to raise the price of eBooks. While I understand publishers' concerns around Amazon setting the price of new titles at $9.99, the fact remains that an eBook and owning a hard cover title that one can transfer ownership to others is much different. So apparently the days of affordable eBooks is now over. Thanks Apple.

Even worse, Apple committed the cardinal sin and didn't listen to the biggest complaint about the iPhone: AT&T. Once again, Apple has provided AT&T with the contract for their hottest new gadget providing customers with the worst network in the U.S. Immediately after the annoncement, the blogosphere erupted in disappointment that Apple didn't pursue or announce a partnership with Verizon. I remain hopeful that Verizon may still get in on the iPhone this summer; providing AT&T with the exclusive on the iPad definitely doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy about this potential development.

Overall: the technogeeks will open their wallets to pick up the iPad upon release. The question remains whether anyone else will, as will. Even with pricing much below what was expected, unfortunately, while I consider myself to be a technogeek, I simply can't see the need for the iPad. The iTouch seems to do much of what the iPad does at a fraction of the cost. The iPhone seems to do that as well and adds cell phone service. A MacBook provides all of the basic features of the iPad (and more) minus cell phone service. So where does the iPad fall? Too big to be a cell phone and too small to be a fully functional laptop, what is the real need? Do I and the rest of the country really need another gadget to shlep with us on vacation or on the go? With many other features that people wanted to see on the iPad, will America stand in line days before its release like the day the iPhone was released? And like my colleague joked: how are you going to strap it on your belt?

Like my wife's, this is another Maxipad (Mac's iPad, get it?) that I don't care to get near.

Doogie!

2010-01-27T22:49:00.000-05:00

In another nod to Idol jumping the shark, they provided drag queen Julie Kevelighan with screen time eight seasons after she originally wasted America's time once again. While a time waster, Idol did thankfully seem to highlight the more talented folks tonight.

And making tonight more palatable than other audition rounds was special judge Doogie for adding humor into the show...from his joke on RuPaul's (Julie Kevelighan) sign to speaking to how Erica Rhodes grew up to be a "dirty little girl" after starring on Barney. NPH would be a great replacement for Randy should they ever decide to get rid of that useless larda--.

Lloyd Thomas who has been sitting on the dock of the bay for years channeled the great Stevie Wonder and impressed all of the judges to set up himself to be this year's Ruben Studdard. And like Ruben, apparently Jesus had everything to do with his continuing onto Hollywood. Way to go Jesus! I guess Jesus must hate all of those folks who failed to make it further.

Kimberley Carver sang an original and while solid, I found her voice grating...and apparently Simon is most likely correct as her name does not appear on the preliminary list of top 24.

Just as the gay movement seemed to take a step forward with Obama seeking to repeal the ridiculous "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy of the military, Dexter Ward took the movement a step backward with his ridiculous performance (well that and Seacrest not owning up to who he really is).

As for the sexiest performance o f the evening, there is nothing sexier than a dominatrix singing America's favorite purple dinosaur Barney's theme song...Erica Rhodes would definitely make watching Barney more palatable if all of Barney's friends were dressed up like her!

Whore. Slut. B-tch. Sorry, Tourette's got the best of me. In all seriousness, glad to see someone like Dave Pittman overcome his disability to make it to Hollywood. It is actually nice to see Idol to follow in the footsteps of Idol by recognizing those with disabilities.

Okay, enough serious sh-t.

On day two, we unfortunately went from great talent Neil Patrick Harris to Mickey Mouse alum Nick or Joe or one of the Jonas brothers who like the majority of special judges provided nothing of value.

Todrick Hall provided perhaps the best performance this season with an original song that had just what it takes to make it on the radio. This is one guy who I am disappointed not to see on the top 24 list and for the first time I hope that the list is bogus...it wouldn't be the first time.

And I am not sure I shared the excitement for Maegan Wright whose spastic brother ruined it for me. Little bro needs his Ritalin.

Overall, Dallas may have provided some of the best talent this season...but of course we won't know until Hollywood as Idol gets to choose who we see and who we don't see. Thankfully only one more week of this crap.

Final Thoughts

2010-01-27T00:30:00.000-05:00

I heard today that Nancy Kerrigan's father died recently, possibly by the hands of her brother. Some say they could hear Nancy screaming, "Why me?!" and that the police are seeking Jeff Gilooly and Tonya Harding for further questions. Hey, at least her brother didn't go after their father's knees. And yes, I am going to hell.

Fabrice "Fab" Moran, half of legendary duo Milli Vanilli claims in today's USA Today, "In pop, R&B and hip-hop, just about everyone uses some sort of processing. This has almost become part of the sound today ... and people expect it." Twenty years later, "what we were crucified for you see everywhere". Moran, granted there is too much lip synching going on today (hey Britney!), but lip synching and NOT ACTUALLY SINGING THE LYRICS are totally different things.

Why is it that women make up 57% of students in college yet only represent 43% of the workforce (according to a 2003 study)?

The "Titanic" sunk once again when "Avatar" became the highest grossing worldwide film of all-time with $1.859 billion. The U.S. record should fall by next weekend at the latest. At this rate, James Cameron will be the wealthiest man in the world with his next film!

In spite of his deep religious beliefs, G-d hates Tim Tebow as much as I do failing him numerous times during practice for the upcoming Senior Bowl. How does the 6th round sound Timmy Boy?

Speaking of G-d, why is it that celebrities only thank him when they win awards and/or big games but they never thank him when they lose?

You whip out one snake at a boy's birthday party and every goes running and complaining. Gee.

Favorite text from last night: I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date. REPLY: You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

Another Round of Auditions...Snore

2010-01-27T00:25:00.000-05:00

Another crappy audition episode as Idol padded their ratings in advance of Hollywood.

Tonight we were graced with "I want to be a bada-- but I'm really just a cute little rocker chick who thought it would be cool to get married at 22 but then realized there is a lot more d--k out there leading her to file for divorce at just 25" Avril Lavigne as our first judge. With comments as exciting as her singing career, Avril was thankfully only featured in just 30 minutes of the show.

Unfortunately, between Avril and second guest judge, Katy Perry, Idol chose to spend the majority of time on folks who had no chance of making and who were not even entertaining. Even worse, many couldn't even stand to look at the face of the judges since they knew their performances were a joke and that they were simply being given their 15 seconds of fame. Outside of blogging losers like me, I simply wish that people wouldn't watch these silly audition rounds.

As for the more talented folks this evening, "rocker chick" (in asterisks since she was a poor representation for a rocker much like guest judge Avril Lavigne) Mary Powers impressed the judges...don't expect to see much of her in the future as she simply doesn't have "it".

As for heavily searched Andrew Garcia (apparently someone people were searching often for online this past week), he did not disappoint with an Adam Levine sound alike on Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning". Andrew's parents, former gang bangers, celebrated by inviting the Crips over for dinner.

And last, Lux's new friend (a nod to new show "Life Unexpected), Chris Golightly, made it to Hollywood with his sweet, but unexciting voice receiving four approvals. Snore...

As for the biggest waste of time, Jason Greene, who sang "I Touch Myself", it is true, when girls (and guys) see Jason they do want to touch themselves but only because they sure as hell don't want to catch anything this guy has...well almost anyone; after playfully giving Jason's number to another contestant, Ryan purportedly took his number and put it on speed dial. And as for the comments from Katy Perry? If a girl who is f--king man-whore and reknown skank Russell Brand says you make her feel dirty? She is basically calling you Pete Doherty.

Too Much Bush Leads to More Sex

2010-01-27T00:08:00.002-05:00

Yes, that's right...George Bush and his crazy love of abstinence has seemingly led to an increase in teen pregnancy, the first increase in more than a decade. So not only did dear old George bring us a paralyzed president during the worst domestic terror attack ever, the setting for the worst economy in decades, and Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?, but George's fear mongering apparently also brought us more little rugrats to clog our already-taxed system.

According to the USA Today, funding for abstinence "doubled from 2000 to 2003, to 120 million. By 2008, funding was at $176 million."

Does the Religious Right not realize that it is a poor move to:

1) tell kids to wait until marriage when their hormones are raging harder than a rave in an abandoned warehouse?
2) tell kids that they shouldn't be doing something?

Not sure about you, but I know when authority told me that I shouldn't be doing something, it only made me that much more curious. Telling kids not to partake in sexual relations is like telling Kirstie Alley not to eat another sandwich...it just ain't gonna happen.

Hopefully the new administration will see the value in teaching to WRAP IT UP! If you're going to partake in sexual intercourse, throw a jimmy on that hat. It is hard (no pun intended) not to see a correlation about an unrelated survey that found that "57% of sexually active respondents said they had had unprotected sex" and the fact that girls are spitting out babies like the Octomom.

In summary kids: cover your junk.

And that's how I see it...

Final Thoughts

2010-01-26T08:53:00.000-05:00

Used the last bit of toilet paper yesterday at work...safe to say that the next guy was s--t out of luck?

Hey budddy, the best time to pick your nose is NOT when you're passing a vehicle...I, along with most people, are always curious who is passing our vehicle and naturally look at the driver. Thanks for the laugh.

To the wench who was smoking in her vehicle while her child was in his/her child seat in the backseat: F--k you! It is bad enough that you are going to rob your child of his mother when you die early from cancer, but shame on you for exposing your child to secondhand smoke. And by the way...I am sure that little Jimmy/little Suzy just loves going to school smelling like an ashtray!

There is no one more brazen than Tiger Woods after reportedly putting his mistress on the phone with his wife to deny the affair. Of course, he probably should have avoided the Ambien which allowed his wife to get a hold of his phone and text his mistress as if she were Tiger. Not so grreeeeeatttt (says Tony the Tiger).

Riding the wave of good news these days for our President, Obama encountered another embarrassing encounter when an affair one of his adviser's was outed by the mistress herself through billboards in SF, Atlanta, and Times Square. As for the adviser, Oracle President Charles Phillips, one would have expected that this very wealthy guy could have at least pulled some better tail.

Is it seriously possible for service fees to go higher for concerts and sporting events? Of course...and I am sure it will happen once Ticketmaster and Live Nation merge.

Rumors have Brangelina breaking up...foreign countries pray for them to stay together so that they're not left with additional orphans.

Please tell me that CBS is not simply a whorish network and will use good judgment when considering a Super Bowl ad for pro-life organization, Focus on the Family. Tim Tebow is a fine quarterback, however the only thing I want to see him throwing around is a football, not his pro-life viewpoints. This is one ad and quarterback I hope to see sacked.

Perhaps it is just me, but I cannot help but smile and sing along when Huey Lewis & the News is on.

Final Thoughts

2010-01-24T16:10:00.000-05:00

Is every Senator a total douche? Senator John Edwards finally acknowledged that he had a bastard child as a result of an affair during his run for the presidency. Between recent political scandals like this paternity admission to the foot tapping airport embarrassment of Senator Larry Craig to Senator Mark Sanford's admission of an international affair, perhaps having an over-liking of boys or girls is a requirement to get elected to the Senate.

The National Enquirer wants a Pulitzer for breaking news on Edwards' bastard child...Mad magazine cries foul!

A religious scare in the air led to an early landing on an US Airways flight when a Jewish teenager whipped out his tefillin during a flight. Perhaps the flight crew didn't trust the kid since they probably didn't believe why a Jewish kid would be traveling to Kentucky!

Conan completed his final "Tonight Show" on Friday...lets hope that he can do the kind of show that he wants to do on Fox or another network rather than the show that NBC wanted him to do.

If Royal Caribbean must dock off of Haiti, at least do some good by carrying over volunteers (in addition to supplies) to the ravaged country. Of course, what can one expect from a cruise line that is organizing a "Cougar's Cruise"? Whoever thought that Carnival would be considered a classier cruise line?!

Apparently laziness from the Japanese automakers has resulted in recalls like the American automakers are used to. With many foreign automakers now housing facilities in the U.S., lets hope lazy American workers aren't the cause of the recall

Cindy McCain is definitely a GILF...grandma I'd like to like to...well you get the point.

Instead of titling this article, "If Your Password Is 123456, Just Make It HackMe", they should title it, "HackMe Because I'm An F'in Idiot". Are people really that stupid?!

Quincy Jones re-making "We Are The World" for Haiti....Bubbles to sub in for MJ.

A religious wet dream: guns and the bible.

Only three days until the Apple iTablet is announced...hit or miss? Might Apple even announce what many have been waiting a year for? The iPhone on Verizon?! Fingers crossed.

Finally, major props to George Clooney for organizing tonight's charity event for Haiti along with the 130+ celebrities for using their status for good. $57 million raised! Props also to Alonzo Mourning and Dwayne Wade who helped raise over $800,000, the ten NBA players who committed $1,000 per point scored Friday night, and to anyone else who may have dipped into their pocket for those in need.