Friday's Rants and Raves

 

 

My Boner has been found and he is no more.  RIP.

Apparently having 17 kids out of wedlock is okay in the NBA, however chewing on a straw is a big no-no.  What a joke of a league.

Plushenko: you lost.  Get over it.  Now go cut your mullet.

Dying your hair in the spirit of your country: commendable.  Placing 12th: pathetic.

Patti, there are better ways to get attention than ripping on the talent of the Idol judges.  99.9% of America wouldn't be able to place you in a lineup...sh-t, Brian Dunkelman would get more recognition than your washed up a--.

I could think of a million different ways to spend $1,000,000 than for a ring and more importantly for a girl that has as little talent as Hillary Duff.

Even Twitterers like Conan more than loser Leno.

Wow, for a second I had to wonder whether Mischa Barton is now a pregnant prostitute in real life or just playing one on TV.  Think about it: "Law and Order" does like to showcase stories ripped from the headlines.

Watch them wiggle. Pamela Anderson rumored to participate in the next season of "Dancing with the Stars".

Wow, Carrot Top really looks awful these days.

Is Chris Brown really the person you want getting your back when your life is in turmoil?  That is a little like having Charles Manson support you when you're on trial for murder.

Favorite textfromlastnight: (845): our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

Only Four Booted?

With the first eliminations of the year, we were unfortunately treated to only four contestants leaving rather than the 20 I would have preferred to see eliminated this evening.

Other unfortunate parts of this evening?  How about the entire hour?  We were forced to endure yet another cheesy group performance that was as poorly lip synched as a Britney Spears concert.  Even worse?  They picked the worst song ever.  What the f-ck is "American Boy"?!  For a show that rips the contestants for song choice, what f-cknut picked this diddy?

As for those eliminated this evening, we saw a few of the more engaging performers leave the stage tonight as Janell Wheeler, Ashley Rodriguez, Joe Munoz, and Tyler Grady made their time on Idol extremely brief.  Munoz lacked any personality and talent and Ashley was just okay to look at, however Janell Wheeler was one of the top five female singers and at least Grady had a personality which is more than most of the nerd pack of 2010.

Idol rounded out the worst week in Idol history with former contestants Alison Iraheta dressed up as a spider and performing her newest (non-hit) single while Kris Allen visited Haiti where locals asked, "how the f-ck did this dweeb win American Idol?!".  And is it really fair to tease Haitians with potential donations from Allen's performance this evening?  I guess every penny counts, but since no one bought his debut album, does Idol expect to raise any real cash for Allen's mediocre version of a Beatles classic?  At least Allen can laugh his way to the bank with the $650,000 he has made in the last year.  Start saving those $$ because your 15 minutes are just about up.

It truly is going to be the longest season ever...

The Boys Can't Be Worse, Right? Wrong.

Tonight's show began with Randy stating that "the girls blew it out last night"?!  Seriously?!  Remove the words "it out" and you have a stronger description of the girls on Tuesday night.  After enduring a painful night of singing (and style) with the girls, it seemed the boys didn't want to insult the girls and decidingly chose to echo their crappy performances on Wednesday night.

Todrick Hall, who has a lot of potential, started the night off and taking a page from the girls, he continued a streak of sh-tty song selection and crappy performances.  Kelly Clarkson?  Really?  Besides picking the song of a fat girl, Hall had an awful arrangement.  Hall definitely didn't follow in the footsteps of folks like David Cook, Kris Allen, and Chris Daughtrey who successfully re-arranged popular songs.

Little dweeb Aaron Kelly tried to channel Rascal Flatts ballad....zzzz.  Thankfully my few minutes of sleep allowed me to miss this off-key poor substitute for the real group.   I did wake up to Simon Cowell complementing him so perhaps I simply dreamt that part.

Jermaine Sellers followed with another wretched ballad, but this time it was near impossible to fall asleep due to Sellers' continued wailing.  I thought someone was killing my cat.

Chris Golightly replacement Tim Urban showed that he truly didn't deserve a spot in the top 12 with the night's worst performance.  How can these kids not know what song is built for them?  Note to Tim and others: if you can't hit a high note, don't pick a song that forces you to sing said note numerous times.

Seeing Joe Munoz for the first time essentially all competition, Munoz showed why he hadn't been showcased earlier in the competition when he performed a Jason Mraz song that sounded more like it was sung by Henry Iglesias than Enrique Iglesias.

Tyler Grady was the first "performer" amongst the guys when he brought his 70's vibe and "American Woman" arrangement to AI.  While not the best vocals by any means, he at least made it a bit entertaining.

Lee Dewyze sang like the girl you dated in middle school...flat.  Outside of his guitar skills, another forgettable performance.

As for John Park, he did not do the Asian-American community any favors as AI's first (I believe) Asian-American contestant...felt like listening to a wedding singer reject.

America's favorite teddy bear (since big Ruben) Michael Lynche continued a night that could be compared to what it must be like for the citizens of Afghanistan...bomb after bomb after bomb after his awful reimagination of Maroon 5.   In Lynche's favor, he is the most personable of this year's contestants. 

Adam Lambert is pleading with Alex Lambert to change his last name after the most embarrassing performance by this mullet-wearing, lack of stage presence, awful performer.  As for Ellen's banana analogy, does anyone really believe that she has ever eaten a "banana"?!

Kara Dioguardi had to wipe off her seat after Casey James' performance.  Of course that wet seat had more to do with his looks than has lackluster performance that seemed to be an octave or two higher than it should have been.  One a night when the performances were simply dreadful, the judges had only positive accolades for James.

Saving the best singer for last, Andrew Garcia made himself the clear frontrunner for the boys with an acoustic version of a Fall Out Boy single. While indulgent like Simon stated during his feedback, it was by far the best performance on a night of God awful performances...sort of like saying that the tall, gawky girl in the crowd is the best looking because she surrounds herself with short, fat girls.

Idol is gearing up to be the show's worst season on record.  Simon, looks like you are getting out a year late.

Any chance that they can eliminate 20 positions tomorrow and speed this train along?  I know it would save a lot of pain over the next 16 or so weeks...

Here Come the Girls...

And so here we go...another season of "American Idol" where the top 24 are the "best" the judges have ever seen.  Really?  Better than Carrie Underwood? Kelly Clarkson? Sh-t, at times, I am unsure whether this top 24 could out singWilliam Hung.

Paige Miles got things kicked off with an awfully boring midtempo .  While Miles has chops (at times too much), I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a high school talent show while she performed.

Ashley Rodriguez did a piss poor job imitating Leona Lewis's "Happy" with her inability to reach the low notes and second rate version of a not-so-great song already.  I was not "happy" having to listen to it.

With high hopes for Janell Wheeler, you couldn't help but be disappointed with this (bad) karaoke version of Ann Wilson and Heart's "What About Love".  Perhaps she should put an APB out for the notes she couldn't find during the song.

Lilly Scott finally brought the evening to night with the Beatles "Fixing a Hole".  Scott's unique voice and personality is a nice fit in a year that is filled with many forgettable faces and personalities.

80's Madonna reject Katelyn Epperly sounded good on her version of the Beatles of "Oh! Darling", however I couldn't get past her "Wedding Singer" like outfit.

My ears bled and John Lennon turned over in his grave when Haeley Vaughn covered yet another Beatles song.  In contrast to the others who sung Beatles songs, I didn't want Haeley to hold my hands, I wanted to take them and slap the voice out of Vaughn and this terrible performance.  There is also something about her that honestly makes me hate her when I look at her...odd. In her favor, Vote for the Worst wants to keep her because of her wretched performance.

Lacey Brown disappointed immensely when Brown sounded more like the drunk girl who thinks her sh-t don't stink at a local karaoke performance than someone who has the confidence and skill to win a competition like AI.  I haven't seen something that pitchy since watching the Tigers pitching rotation.

Michelle Delamor channeled Alicia Keys in her performance of "Fallen", however I found it a very forgettable and grating performance.

My favorite contestant this year, Didi Benami, did a somewhat solid job with Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am", however I didn't love the slower and somewhat indulgent performance.  That said, she is one of the better female performers this year.

Anna Paquin lookalike Siobhan Magnus made me want to throw my shoe at the television during her version of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game"...a grating song even sung by Isaak.  If it weren't for the video starring the beautiful Helena Christensen, I would take a shoe to Isaak, as well.

Female frontrunner Crystal Bowersox disappointed with a lackluster version of Alanis Morissette's of "Hand in My Pocket".  For the first time during a Bowersox performance, I looked forward to when the song would finish.   Still, in a year with weak competition, Bowersox still shines above the other contestants.

Katie Stevens made me feel like I was watching the girl who is dared by her friends at prom to get up on stage and sing and then destroys by singing a song that is 30 years too old for her.  With solid chops for a girl her age, hopefully Stevens will quickly learn how to choose the right songs so that she remains for a few more weeks.

It looks as if it is going to be a long season and if this is what we are going to see all season from the girls, Simon may be wrong on his predicition of a girl winning it all.

Sunday's Rants and Raves

I can't find my Boner!

*On a serious note, if anyone has seen Boner or has information about his whereabouts, last seen in Vancouver on February 14th, call 911.

Lower Merion School District responds to allegations that they were spying on students via embedded web cams in student computers: at least our teachers weren't sleeping with students!

Down syndrome girl tells Palin to get a f-ckin' sense of humor!

Apparently winning a medal doesn't get you a little a-head in life.

Heard a promo for "The View" today that stated "Evan Bayh talks to the View and you know the questions will be tough"...is that because it is damn near impossible for a normal human being to endure four women blabbing at him all at once (especially when it is these four yentas)?

Speaking of enduring five women at once (or at least count fourteen), Tiger made an apology on Friday.

Prior to Valentine's Day, Walgreen's promoted use of their "personal gift advisers".  Ladies, if your man bought you a Valentine's gift from Walgreen's, let alone had to leverage one of their "personal gift advisers", it may just be time to get a new man.

Women across London experienced the most disappointing Valentine's Day surprise in years.

"Valentine's Day", the movie" received one of the best reviews in years after Roger Ebert wrote, "I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again." Ouch!

Favorite textfromlastnight: (401): so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator

So Long Hollywood

And so we finished up Hollywood week with perhaps the most boring five hours of television in AI history.

Out was the ever-so-exciting "drama" from last year when two contestants were placed in front of the judges and only one walked away a victor.  America (well okay, me) thrives on seeing people suffer and that was sorely missed this year.  There was nothing more exciting last year than watching two people walk in as friends and then walk out as bitter people (well one of them at least).

Also out was the painfully excruciating elevator ride where we got to see contestants break down because they simply were not good enough to move into the top 24.  A walk up the aisle simply was not the same.

Instead, we were left with poorly acted/scripted speeches by the judges that failed to trick most contestants and instead created silly drama that most likely made viewers at home laugh.

As for the final 24, outside of Michael Lynche not getting kicked off because of his blabber mouth father, Chris Golightly's surprise disqualification, and the absence of Benjamin Honeycutt, the leaked list was accurate which makes me wonder why I even wasted time watching the hokey and music-less Hollywood weeks.  Out of five hours, we were lucky to get 45 minutes worth of actual music.

Speaking of Golightly, it sounds like AI may soon be meeting his lawyers for their seemingly unfair disqualification of this cheesy Justin Guarini lookalike.

And to add insult to injury, AI lost out to the Olympics for the first time since 2004.  Are Idol's best days really that far behind them?

I cannot imagine what will happen when Simon Cowell leaves.  I sure as hell hope that they do not replace him with someone like Perez Hilton as Cowell jokes(?) is a possibility. Whoever replaces Cowell, he/she will not be anywhere near as entertaining nor as truthful.

With Cowell thinking a woman will win this year, I leave you with my three favorites: Didi Benami, Lilly Scott, and Crystal Bowersox.  While I hope one of the three will win (Benami being my favorite at the moment), I still fear that the same country that voted for George Bush to be our President (twice!) will find these women not of the caliber of (pathetic) past winners like Kris Allen and Ruben Studdard. 

Final AI thoughts:
Who is dirtier? Crystal Bowersox or Jason Castro?

Can life get much worse for Angela Martin?  Father killed her first year trying out, in jail the second time, and her mother went missing her third time...and she gets kicked off for the 3rd year in a row!  I am afraid of what baggage she brings with her in year four!

The top three from season 8 covered Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" in NY recently, check it out.  While Iraheta was solid, I couldn't help but feel as if I were watching a high school talent show.

Thusday's Rants and Raves

 
George the Animal Steele at my Bar Mitzvah was cool, but meeting a Jewish boxer (they exist?), getting seats for all of your friends for the match, and then a signed Yankees ball for you and your friends just to change the date of your Bar Mitzvah? Priceless.

Who is running the Tea Party, the KKK?!

Lisa Rinna ripping Heidi Montag = Pot calling the kettle black. How many plastic Barbie dolls do you think could be made out of these two ugly whores?!

So twice-divorced Madonna is NBC's choice as part of the celebrity panel on NBC's new show, "Marriage Ref"?  Apparently Elizabeth Taylor, Tiger Woods, and Jennifer Aniston were not available?

Speaking of Tiger, looks like he will be renting out the Staples Center to apologize to his wife and all of his mistresses on Friday.

My eyes, they burn!

"I feel an obligation to better my work, and keep saying no, and keep expecting to get as good as you give," Sandra Bullock stated at the Annual Academy Awards luncheon. 

Sandra, it was one movie and you are far from Meryl Streep.  Sh-t, you were nominated for a Razzie as Worst Actress the same year you were nominated for an Oscar. When you have one strong performance and 30 piss-poor ones, you simply got lucky.

Bayh Bayh to another Democrat in Congress...sorry to see someone leave who really does want to change this country.

Apparently Kevin Eubanks hates Jay Leno as much as half of America.  Good man.

DePaul AD blows 12-year old potential recruit...and not in a way a 12-year old wants.

Favorite textfromlastnight:  (831): period poops. best. ever. 
(925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...